Feeble Prayers

Scattered words and empty thoughts

Seem to pour from my heart

Even when people I love commit suicide

I Still Believe.

I've never felt so torn before

Seems i dont know where to start

Even when best friends die of breast cancer

I Still Believe.

But its now I feel your grace fall like rain

From every fingertip washing away my pain

When grandmas find their youngest sons, dead by their own hand...when those grandmas slip into dementia and mini-strokes overtake them, even when special grandmas die

I Still Believe.

Though the questions still fog up my mind

With promises I still seem to bear

When moms have brain tumors and lymphoma and when prognosis looks good and things are hopeful hopeful. Even then, when she dies anyway

I Still Believe.

Even when answers slowly unwind

It's my heart I see you prepare

When friends...people who call themselves friends, kick me while I'm down and knowingly inflict unbearable pain

I Still Believe.

But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain

From every fingertip washing away my pain

When I run away from home because I'm too pissed off to be around "friends"

I Still Believe.

The only place I can go is into your arms

Where I throw to you my feeble prayers

When You say in no uncertain terms, "Go back to your friend. Put up with her abuse." I understand you are Jehovah Roi, the God Who Sees Me

I Still Believe.

In brokenness I can see that this is your will for me

Help me to know you are near

When I submit to Your authority and go back--and I hit a fawn still new with spots and it flies in the air and smashes down on the top of my car and I see it hit the road in the rearview mirror. Even when I see it's mama right behind it. Even when the pain is too great to bear and I can't see through my tears

I Still Believe.

I still believe in your faithfulness

I still believe in your truth

I still believe in Your Holy Word

Even when I don't see

I Still Believe.

Jeremy Camp and Compassion International

I've been a Jeremy Camp fan since he was playing crowds of less than 200. He's in Valparaiso tonight and Phil and I are volunteering with Compassion International at the concert.

It was 2 years ago, I believe, that we attended a Jeremy Camp Unplugged concert in Ft. Wayne or South Bend, I think it was Ft. Wayne. I hadn't ever heard of Compassion until the short video was played and packets with children needing sponsorship were passed out to the audience. It wasn't a guilt trip--the children were smiling and the packets gave information on the communities they lived in and personal information and interests.

God worked in his amazing way that night. The packet we were handed was Leslie from Peru and she was just 5 months younger than Zane. I knew that developing a relationship with a child the same age as our child would be a wonderful experience.

Sponsor a Child


Compassion works through the local churches of the communities. You are linked with your child for as long as the need exists. You correspond through letters with your child and the relationship is very personal. I've had nothing but a wonderful experience with Compassion. I love Leslie, I pray for her and her family, and am blessed by her prayers and letters.

I'm praying today that many more children will be sponsored at the Jeremy Camp Unplugged concert tonight. But you don't have to attend a concert to find your child. Please consider finding your child right now? It's $38 a month to provide for your child. Click here to learn more.

Another Jeremy Camp Concert

I've blogged before about how I love to hear Jeremy's Dad with his blues harmonica...Someone captured it on video from Saturday night's concert we attended!


The still pictures are mine, the video is not.




I've been so spoiled by these "hometown" shows that it would be such a huge letdown to see a concert without dad, Tom Camp, pastor of Harvest Chapel.



Let me know what you think!

Writing, back to the grind

• Last week, my friend needed me to help take care of her kids while her husband was in the hospital. I stayed at her house a few days, I did work on the story a little, but not as much as I would have liked to. Given the circumstances though, I did ok.
  
  I think I mentioned this, but I can't remember. One day, I got stuck and words wouldn't come out. I decided to grab some paper and a pencil and lay down on the floor to draw the cane the Old Man in my story whittled. And it came out so much better than I thought it would. This creative process brought out a theme of the book I didn't fully understand, it was like a light went on. I don't understand how I can write this story and not know this stuff, maybe its just hidden in my subconscious and I don't realize it. However that works, I don't think I'll be the one to figure it out. The drawing happened, it worked, I get it now like I didn't before and the words are flowing.

• We had a busy weekend. Friday we saw a special presentation at the Merrillville Planetarium with Jen and her kids.

• Saturday, Jeremy Camp and Mainstay concert (pictures coming soon.)

• Sunday, my nephew's birthday party plus an added bonus: a trip to the Grand Opening of the new Cabela's! Phil got his Christmas present (early of course) and I picked up a few things for my Cowboy Christmas tree.

• Monday was spent catching up on things here at home and ordering some goodies for the Cowboy Christmas tree. You are going to love this thing! I'm so excited!

• So, here we are at Tuesday. The house is pretty well maintained since we haven't really been here. I have a couple loads of laundry to do and the living room needs to be straightened, but its good for the most part.

I have no clue yet what I'll be doing for Tackle It Tuesday. I've spent a bit of time reading the last scene of Whisky Lilacs and writing a bit more, Phil's getting up soon and I need to make his breakfast and fix his lunch so after I see him off to work, I'll finish my word quota and THEN concentrate on Tackling something other than this blog. LOL

Random Bits

• I found this guy, Rene Gruss, on MySpace I loved Bellatrix (free download this month.) I bought the whole album, right now Bellatrix remains my favorite.

• I found this other guy, Brian Gleason, on MySpace, he has the most amazing natural country voice I've heard next to George Jones, George Strait, Josh Turner (Jeremy Camp, outside of country)--I mean one of those voices you hear and you know who it is, not because they've been played non-stop, but this guy has a I-have-to-listen-to-more voice. He's incredible. He just sits down with his guitar and sings, he's mostly put up requests. I'm not one who likes to stray from the original artist, I listened to him sing The Dance (Garth Brooks) and Anymore (Travis Tritt)
  

• I'm behind on my word count because I was helping Kimmie by taking care of her kids, her husband's in the hospital. I decided that even if I didn't hit my target every single day, as long as I wrote, as long as I moved the novel forward on days like these past few, I'm good.

• Yesterday, I didn't write words, but I pulled out paper and pencil and drew. One of my characters carves canes and I needed a visual, but nothing exists like Orville's walking stick, so I had to create it. If you know about Orville's canes and you want to see the drawing, email me. Now, what I need is a real artist to make my elementary drawing into something beautiful. Any one out there?

• So, I contradicted myself because I didn't write words yesterday, didn't "move" the novel forward. But that's not the truth, I moved the novel forward more than if I'd written 10,000 words. Drawing that whittled cane moved the story forward and I discovered a theme I kind of knew was there, but the cane drawing made it POP for me.
  

• I don't have to be like everyone else when I create. If drawing a cane helps me wrap up an important theme of the book, I give myself permission to pursue those creative endeavors.

• I like reading good books. If I don't like a book, I give myself permission to put it down even if the whole world loves it. (Faulker, As I Lay Dying) I can't read it anymore. I'm done. I don't like it. at. all.
  

• We're going to see Jeremy Camp again this weekend! If you haven't listened to him, you should.

• I've been remembering a lot of dreams lately. So far, two of them will be stories. Don't know if they'll be short stories or novels, they both have the potential to be either. We'll see what comes out.
  

• I got some really, really, extra super cool news a little while ago but I don't know if I can say anything yet. It's pretty much killing me to keep secrets.

Sharing More Pictures

The next set of pictures were taken by some friends at the Jeremy Camp concert.

Zane and I somehow managed to score front row "seats" just a bit off center towards stage left. In all the effort I put forth planning this special trip, I could not have orchestrated things this well. God just sat back with a huge grin on his face watching Zane squeal in delight when things just kept getting better. Of course, I was crying on and off most of the concert. Watching Zane's excitement and hearing him say over and over, "You are the best mom ever!" with the hugs and kisses and genuine gratitude just put me over the edge. I can't take credit for any of it though, I think we know who gets all the glory!

I Think I Got Sidetracked

I was supposed to post about the highlight of our trip to Chicago and somehow got caught in the mud and mire of daily life. Y'know, car repairs, pipes freezing, basements flooding, that kind of stuff.

Jeremy Camp played to a sold out crowd at the House of Blues in Chicago on January 25th.

We met with some other Jeremy Camp "Campers" or "street-team" members before the show to have dinner and get to know one another. Zane was eating his chicken and fries when I hear this familiar voice say, "Hey Zane, buddy! How are you?" I look up and there's Jeremy with his hand on Zane's shoulder and Zane's eyes bugging out of his head! Zane gets the card and gift he made for J and look at how wonderful this man treated my son! It was as if Zane was the only person in the room:









Working on: Getting some concert pictures up for a post.

Lay Down My Pride

,



Why yes, it is the name of one of my favorite Jeremy Camp songs. It hits me where it hurts.

It starts:

Every single word I say, You know it before I speak.

You know every thought, the deepest part of me.

You draw me close and then I see...

Your presence is everything I need

To be the child that You've created me to be.



Can I tell you something I don't often admit? I am needy. I need to start admitting it more. But, wow...this is difficult to talk about. I don't want to talk about it because it is true. If I tell you I'm needy you'll see a flaw, a pretty serious one. And to know what people are like and how they judge and abuse knowledge and get all self-righteous, it is scary to admit I have a weakness.

Well of course you already know I have weaknesses and flaws. You may have already found some and are just waiting to see if they show up again. For what? To maybe feel a little better about your flaws? Oh now...wait? Don't go there? We both have a problem, friend. It's called pride.

Pride causes me to want to hide things. Like this being needy. I don't want to admit that I like it when people say something nice about me or about what I write. It feels good. And yes, God did give us the Spirit so that we will encourage our siblings. And we should do that whenever we can. But when I hear praise, I don't want it to become my reason. I don't want to write so that my reward becomes the praise. I don't want to write so that my reward is a blessing. I want to write to bless Him. So as my Father, He will read it, smile and say, "She did listen!"

But I am needy. And I can't "hear" Him. So He sends a sibling in my life to put an arm around me. A sibling to say, "That's really good." And I feel better...for a little while. It seems to be a never ending cycle. Needy writer writes. Feels uncertainty. Must be insane. Who else is like this? Depression. Discouragement God sends approval. Feels good. Yeah...it is good, isn't it? I should be proud of it, shouldn't I?

Wait.

Is this the point at which I'm supposed to pay attention? Did I just take the credit for what God gave me? Did I take credit for writing something? Did I just overlook the fact that God sent someone especially for me, specifically for me? Do I think I'm a better writer than someone else? Do I think I'm more deserving somehow? Is that "self-justification" kicking in? Am I believing that I am better at characterization? Plotting? Dialogue? Craft? And is that other person another writer who is writing for God??? How did I get here?

Pride.


I'm ready now to see it your way

Lay Down my pride

My desires

My demise



It would be far better for me to acknowledge on a constant basis that I am nothing without that which He gives. Better for me to admit I'm needy. Because He already told me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness" and I ignored Him.

Ready now to see it your way

'Cause I'm done

I'm through

Ignoring you

Now its true

I'm kneeling at the cross of your grace

Jeremy Camp--TOMORROW in South Bend, IN!!!

,




Jeremy Camp

Beyond Measure and Don't Wait

Beyond Measure is Jeremy's latest offering and Don't Wait is his adorable wife, Adie's debut solo album. I'm really hoping both will perform tomorrow. (I pay good money to get my hair to match the color of hers! She's just beautiful!) Ok, so my picture over there doesn't reflect my color change, but honestly...I should've been born a redhead. I just sampled her album at her website I've never heard Adie sing before and I think she should let her husband know he's going to have some comptetion in my CD player. I think I heard him in the background. And I think I read that she's done background for him. God certainly matched Jeremy and Adie for a purpose! Oh, and those pictures on Adie's blog of the girls...ADORABLE!


I've been waiting for this album! I had the pleasure of seeing Jeremy Camp last year at the Pro-Life Music Festival last summer and he was just amazing. He invited his dad on stage and they did the most beautiful rendition of Jesus Loves Me--Chicago blues style. WOW. That was something. I wish I had a copy of that to listen to! I'm hoping his dad is with him again tomorrow in South Bend.

My friend and fellow Christian fiction writer (ACFW Indiana Chapter president as well), Cara is an attorney in the same city Jeremy's dad, Tom Camp, is pastor of Harvest Chapel I'm really hoping I can hop down to see Cara one weekend and attend a service. Maybe I'll get to hear that Blues harmonica again!

Another surprise blessing at the concert last year, was the lady on my side of the stage who was signing, yes...Communicating in sign language, the words of Jeremy's songs. She was dancing and singing and signing. I found myself not even able to look at the band. I was focused on this woman with such passion moving her hands in perfect rhythm to these songs that hold so much meaning and praise. It was as if everything around me had diminished. Zane wanted so bad to hear Jeremy sing "Wait" but he ended up falling asleep on the blanket I had spread on the grass. People were all around us dancing and trying to get closer to the stage while I stood straddled over my sleeping boy's body, protecting him with my stance above him. I lifted my hand in praise and that's when I noticed her. Stage right, with her hands raised. From that minute forward, I couldn't see anything else. She moved her hands faster with certain words and then drug them slowly through the air when Jeremy held a note.

The two songs I remember most vividly are "Breathe" and "Lay Down My Pride" I'm listening to "Breathe" right now and I can still see her moving her hands and arms with such grace and passion. Her facial expressions when she signed to "Lay Down My Pride" brought tears to my eyes.

I don't know if she's with Jeremy or with the Pro-Life Festival. I'm hoping she's with Jeremy so I can see the beauty of it all again tomorrow.

And Zane will certainly not fall asleep before he gets to see Jeremy...He's playing at around one in the afternoon.

(I just ran a spell check and it kept asking me if I want to replace "Jeremy's" with "germ's" LOL. Somehow Germ Camp just doesn't sound right!)