Feeble Prayers

Scattered words and empty thoughts

Seem to pour from my heart

Even when people I love commit suicide

I Still Believe.

I've never felt so torn before

Seems i dont know where to start

Even when best friends die of breast cancer

I Still Believe.

But its now I feel your grace fall like rain

From every fingertip washing away my pain

When grandmas find their youngest sons, dead by their own hand...when those grandmas slip into dementia and mini-strokes overtake them, even when special grandmas die

I Still Believe.

Though the questions still fog up my mind

With promises I still seem to bear

When moms have brain tumors and lymphoma and when prognosis looks good and things are hopeful hopeful. Even then, when she dies anyway

I Still Believe.

Even when answers slowly unwind

It's my heart I see you prepare

When friends...people who call themselves friends, kick me while I'm down and knowingly inflict unbearable pain

I Still Believe.

But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain

From every fingertip washing away my pain

When I run away from home because I'm too pissed off to be around "friends"

I Still Believe.

The only place I can go is into your arms

Where I throw to you my feeble prayers

When You say in no uncertain terms, "Go back to your friend. Put up with her abuse." I understand you are Jehovah Roi, the God Who Sees Me

I Still Believe.

In brokenness I can see that this is your will for me

Help me to know you are near

When I submit to Your authority and go back--and I hit a fawn still new with spots and it flies in the air and smashes down on the top of my car and I see it hit the road in the rearview mirror. Even when I see it's mama right behind it. Even when the pain is too great to bear and I can't see through my tears

I Still Believe.

I still believe in your faithfulness

I still believe in your truth

I still believe in Your Holy Word

Even when I don't see

I Still Believe.

Now What?

It was very hard for me to hit "publish" on this one.

* * *

In October of 1999, Zane was born. Phil was driving our semi over the road and he was home one day out of every thirty. That year, Jill and I spent New Year's Eve together afraid for Y2K. We survived.

In 2000, we filed bankruptcy on that semi and moved back to Indiana and lived with my parents for a short time. Phil found a driving in job in Chicago and he was home two days out of every seven.

In 2001, 9/11 happened and I was scared for our lives. I'd never, ever heard it so quiet outside as when all planes were grounded. That month, we found a duplex to rent, Zane turned 2, potty-trained and I was still trying to decide if I was a good mom or not.

In 2002...Phil got a local job hauling fuel and was home EVERY night.

In 2003, Phil and I bought the Knox house. I started attending a church for the first time since I was let down by a different church back in 1992.

In 2004, doctors thought Phil had cancer. He didn't. He did, however, punch a wall and break his hand and have to have pins put in.

In 2005, I was reading my Bible daily, active in Women's ministry (and Phil in men's ministry) and I was really getting to know God. Jill told me she had breast cancer and had already been battling it for a year. She'd already had a mastectomy and chemo and radiation. She made me get a breast exam. And I think they thought I had cancer. I then had an ultra sound. Then a mammogram (and platypus poop.) Then I had to see a surgeon. He told me I didn't have breast cancer.

In 2006, I was called to write. "Write." (I noticed I posted that on 12/02/06. Wonder if that has anything to do with 12:26?) That year, I also lost my Uncle Ed. I'm not sure there's ever been a time when I felt as close to God. And that's also the year my church gave me a wake up call--lying about me, accusing me of ridiculous things, and leaving me alone during a time of huge, monumental need. Phil thought he was having a heart attack. Our fridge broke. Phil lost his job. Phil had double hernia surgery. We almost lost our house. 2006 was probably the hardest year of my life. I felt so alone that year. And God taught me more about His love than I could've ever expected.

In 2007, my thyroid completely shut down and I've been trying to get my brain (and my body and my life) back ever since. It's also the year I was asked to be on the editing team at The Midnight Diner.

In 2008, I lost my best friend, Jill in January. She might have survived Y2K, but she did not survive breast cancer. And then my grandma passed away in September. I was asked to be Editor-in-chief of The Midnight Diner.

In 2009, We were taken on a trip of a lifetime to Key West and Marco Island, Florida in March. Phil quit truck driving altogether! He started working as property manager for Inspiration Wood. We were blessed with a grandson in April. Around May, I finally started feeling like myself again with the help of some replacement thyroid hormone. We moved in June and I've been trying to figure out what life is now that Phil's home all day, every day and now that everything has changed.


* * *


I started this post with the intention of talking about how I feel separated from God right now. I mean, I know He's there, He just feels distant to me and I remember hearing people talk about feeling this way and I distinctly remember thinking, "I will NEVER feel that way. I will always feel as close to God as I do at this very moment."

I was going to talk about this new Bible I got, The Books of the Bible--with no verse references--and how I was going to start reading that for the New Year.

But I got caught up in looking at the way things got so ugly during the time I was closest to God. I remember what I went through and the lessons I learned after I did Beth Moore's Believing God study. Things I haven't found the courage to write about.

And though God says, "Do not be afraid."

I am afraid.


I'm afraid that if I get close to Him again, something worse will happen. And I don't know how to let go of that fear.

I know I'm the one keeping the distance from God.

I said it.

Now what?

Tackle it Tuesday--Calendars, Time, Grief

You can see all of my Tackles here.

* * *

Phil received a Pottery Barn Daily System for his birthday and the wall is now wired and Phil installed this very cool, very useful calendar, corkboard, whiteboard, charging station, and digital frame. (No pics yet!)



As if I need more reason to love this thing?
So.

Speaking of calendars...how many of you have made time to enjoy life?

Quit being so busy. Quit overbooking yourself and your family. Take control of your time and vow to spend time with those you love and enjoy. Don't you know how fast it all goes by?

I lost some very important people in the past few years and it's now, Christmas season, when I tend to miss them most because they were so big a part of my Christmases. The void is unfillable. The grief is overwhelming at times. And I know how many times I've wished I would've spent a little more time with them. I don't remember what I did instead of visiting them and making memories, all I know is the memories aren't there because I chose to do other things instead. Unimportant things.

I want that to change for the people I still have here to love.

The Odds of Luck

They're pressed in many books I have no intention of ever discarding. Given to me on such a regular basis, I took for granted their rarity.

She'd tip-toe through my yard as if walking a tight-rope, even though the yard was nothing but weeds and rocks. She'd bend in half like a ballerina and go right to them, they must have been whispering her name.

She's been gone almost fifteen months now, but I still see her petite frame walking towards me, her small arm extended, her thin hand bent slightly, and between her long fingers--another four leaf clover for me, "Look! A 'prise!" she'd sing. Never a "suprise" always a 'prise. Always.

The odds of finding a 4-Leaf clover is estimated at 10,000 to 1.

And the odds of having such a best friend? There aren't enough stars in the sky. Love you Jill.

Flickr photo credit.

David Meigs

I just got an email, David Meigs lost his home to a fire. Thank God everyone (pets included) got out. You might know him as Curmudgeon.

David has touched so many people with his kindness and prayer, me included. When I decided to write full time a few years ago, I asked a question on a message board about finding a free version of Microsoft Word. I received several responses about Open Office and one email from David asking for my address. He had an extra copy of Word and had prayed that God would give him someone who could use it.

It's nothing huge in the grand scheme of things, but it was grand to me. I feel horrible about his family's loss, but so terribly grateful they're alive.




Here's the email I received:

This morning ACFW member (and CFBA member) David Meigs and his family lost their home to a fire. Thankfully, the family and the pets all got out safely. However, the Meigs family has basically lost everything. I've set up a special fund through Paypal. If you'd like to contribute to the Meigs Family fund go to Paypal.com and send your donation to dancingword@gmail.com (put "For the Meigs Family" under the comments). I'll ensure David gets the funds.

If you have questions or comments, please contact me privately. Blessings!

Annie McDonald
ACFW Northwest Zone Director
Greater Puget Sound Area Coordinator

Since I am also a Zone Director for ACFW, I am passing this along to our CFBA membership and let them join in the same general fund rather than create separate entities!

God bless you all.

Bonnie Calhoun

Dir.- CFBA Founder/Owner - CFOM