Now What?

It was very hard for me to hit "publish" on this one.

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In October of 1999, Zane was born. Phil was driving our semi over the road and he was home one day out of every thirty. That year, Jill and I spent New Year's Eve together afraid for Y2K. We survived.

In 2000, we filed bankruptcy on that semi and moved back to Indiana and lived with my parents for a short time. Phil found a driving in job in Chicago and he was home two days out of every seven.

In 2001, 9/11 happened and I was scared for our lives. I'd never, ever heard it so quiet outside as when all planes were grounded. That month, we found a duplex to rent, Zane turned 2, potty-trained and I was still trying to decide if I was a good mom or not.

In 2002...Phil got a local job hauling fuel and was home EVERY night.

In 2003, Phil and I bought the Knox house. I started attending a church for the first time since I was let down by a different church back in 1992.

In 2004, doctors thought Phil had cancer. He didn't. He did, however, punch a wall and break his hand and have to have pins put in.

In 2005, I was reading my Bible daily, active in Women's ministry (and Phil in men's ministry) and I was really getting to know God. Jill told me she had breast cancer and had already been battling it for a year. She'd already had a mastectomy and chemo and radiation. She made me get a breast exam. And I think they thought I had cancer. I then had an ultra sound. Then a mammogram (and platypus poop.) Then I had to see a surgeon. He told me I didn't have breast cancer.

In 2006, I was called to write. "Write." (I noticed I posted that on 12/02/06. Wonder if that has anything to do with 12:26?) That year, I also lost my Uncle Ed. I'm not sure there's ever been a time when I felt as close to God. And that's also the year my church gave me a wake up call--lying about me, accusing me of ridiculous things, and leaving me alone during a time of huge, monumental need. Phil thought he was having a heart attack. Our fridge broke. Phil lost his job. Phil had double hernia surgery. We almost lost our house. 2006 was probably the hardest year of my life. I felt so alone that year. And God taught me more about His love than I could've ever expected.

In 2007, my thyroid completely shut down and I've been trying to get my brain (and my body and my life) back ever since. It's also the year I was asked to be on the editing team at The Midnight Diner.

In 2008, I lost my best friend, Jill in January. She might have survived Y2K, but she did not survive breast cancer. And then my grandma passed away in September. I was asked to be Editor-in-chief of The Midnight Diner.

In 2009, We were taken on a trip of a lifetime to Key West and Marco Island, Florida in March. Phil quit truck driving altogether! He started working as property manager for Inspiration Wood. We were blessed with a grandson in April. Around May, I finally started feeling like myself again with the help of some replacement thyroid hormone. We moved in June and I've been trying to figure out what life is now that Phil's home all day, every day and now that everything has changed.


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I started this post with the intention of talking about how I feel separated from God right now. I mean, I know He's there, He just feels distant to me and I remember hearing people talk about feeling this way and I distinctly remember thinking, "I will NEVER feel that way. I will always feel as close to God as I do at this very moment."

I was going to talk about this new Bible I got, The Books of the Bible--with no verse references--and how I was going to start reading that for the New Year.

But I got caught up in looking at the way things got so ugly during the time I was closest to God. I remember what I went through and the lessons I learned after I did Beth Moore's Believing God study. Things I haven't found the courage to write about.

And though God says, "Do not be afraid."

I am afraid.


I'm afraid that if I get close to Him again, something worse will happen. And I don't know how to let go of that fear.

I know I'm the one keeping the distance from God.

I said it.

Now what?

The Odds of Luck

They're pressed in many books I have no intention of ever discarding. Given to me on such a regular basis, I took for granted their rarity.

She'd tip-toe through my yard as if walking a tight-rope, even though the yard was nothing but weeds and rocks. She'd bend in half like a ballerina and go right to them, they must have been whispering her name.

She's been gone almost fifteen months now, but I still see her petite frame walking towards me, her small arm extended, her thin hand bent slightly, and between her long fingers--another four leaf clover for me, "Look! A 'prise!" she'd sing. Never a "suprise" always a 'prise. Always.

The odds of finding a 4-Leaf clover is estimated at 10,000 to 1.

And the odds of having such a best friend? There aren't enough stars in the sky. Love you Jill.

Flickr photo credit.

Blessings

I need to do this today. I had originally intended to post all the CRAP that's happening, but what's the point? I sent an email to one of my bloggy friends and then realized that even though there's so much wrong, there's also a lot that's right.

So.

• My husband loves me and I love him. Today, that's a big deal. When so many other couples are divorcing or are complacent and uncaring, I am grateful for Phil. What you see is what you get with us, I talk about him all the time because he's so much a part of me. I'm not sure I would have the strength to go on without him. Y'know that song Johnny and June? Well, not just the song, but the Johnny and June love story? ("...and when you're gone, I wanna go too, like Johnny and June...") Yeah, that's us minus singing careers. It was rough in the beginning, but it's always been stronger than we're able to explain.
  
  
  
  
• My son. He'll be nine on Saturday. Nine! Goodness how did that much time go by? He's turning into his father (which pleases me to no end.) He's such a good kid. Sensitive to people's needs, caring, loving, funny--man is the kid funny. For example, yesterday he says, "When you see RIP on a tombstone, it's Rest In Peace. If a Lego guy died, it would have to be Rest In Pieces."

• Our health, I mean, aside from bumps, sprains, bruises and such, we're pretty healthy people. Phil's got high blood pressure, I've got this (as of yet unfixed) hypothyroidism but those are totally treatable and minor in comparison to things I don't want to talk about.

• We have families who love us.

• We still have our home.

• Phil still has a job.

• We've got the best friends anyone could ask for.

• There's food on the table and clothes on our backs.

• We're able to give a little each month to our little girl in Peru through Compassion International.

We're really not that bad off. And I need to remind myself because I'm sure I'm in the midst of a big ole rootin' tootin' spiritual battle. I've walked in this fire before, I remember what it feels like to try to continue walking with those unhealed blisters on the bottom of my feet. It's not fun, but I understand it's a part of walking with Christ.

Feet are important this time, I'm trying to figure it all out.

Feet walk, run, jump, play, bend, twist. Feet are the foundation of our walk.

Any other valuable foot notes? ;) Pun totally intended.

Kudos to Revolution Money Exchange and Ted Leonsis

I just posted about Paypal's new competitor Revolution Money Exchange because I thought it was cool that Paypal finally has someone to go head-to-head with.

Little did I know I would be linked on the front page of Ted Leonsis' blog. He's the Chairman of Revolution Money. And you should read this guy's Bio. Wow.

I like his "Filmanthropy." Check it out.

So Kudos for Ted (if he's doing his own blog) and/or his team (if they're helping out.) Either way, it's nice to be linked to unexpectedly. This is a good lesson in customer service for the Big Guys. I didn't post because I expected to get anything from posting. I signed up, my mom signed up and I figured that was about the extent of things. Maybe it sounds stupid, but Revolution Money has just earned my business because of a web link.

When I did direct sales, I studied how to go the extra mile for my clients and gratitude was always at the top of list. If I made one extra phone call and said, "Thank you. That's it, I don't want anything more from you other than this time it took for me to say I appreciate your business." I found out that those clients were loyal and they spread the word and I had a lot more business than I could have spent advertising dollars to get.

Great job Ted and Revolution Money!