Feeble Prayers

Scattered words and empty thoughts

Seem to pour from my heart

Even when people I love commit suicide

I Still Believe.

I've never felt so torn before

Seems i dont know where to start

Even when best friends die of breast cancer

I Still Believe.

But its now I feel your grace fall like rain

From every fingertip washing away my pain

When grandmas find their youngest sons, dead by their own hand...when those grandmas slip into dementia and mini-strokes overtake them, even when special grandmas die

I Still Believe.

Though the questions still fog up my mind

With promises I still seem to bear

When moms have brain tumors and lymphoma and when prognosis looks good and things are hopeful hopeful. Even then, when she dies anyway

I Still Believe.

Even when answers slowly unwind

It's my heart I see you prepare

When friends...people who call themselves friends, kick me while I'm down and knowingly inflict unbearable pain

I Still Believe.

But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain

From every fingertip washing away my pain

When I run away from home because I'm too pissed off to be around "friends"

I Still Believe.

The only place I can go is into your arms

Where I throw to you my feeble prayers

When You say in no uncertain terms, "Go back to your friend. Put up with her abuse." I understand you are Jehovah Roi, the God Who Sees Me

I Still Believe.

In brokenness I can see that this is your will for me

Help me to know you are near

When I submit to Your authority and go back--and I hit a fawn still new with spots and it flies in the air and smashes down on the top of my car and I see it hit the road in the rearview mirror. Even when I see it's mama right behind it. Even when the pain is too great to bear and I can't see through my tears

I Still Believe.

I still believe in your faithfulness

I still believe in your truth

I still believe in Your Holy Word

Even when I don't see

I Still Believe.

Hey Church People.

* * *

Note: I originally wrote this in February 2009, but it applies to another friend today, so I'm reposting.

* * *

Y'know. I can handle it better when you pick on me. Leave my friends alone okay?

Why is it you're in this to crush people's spirits? Yes. I said Crush. When someone volunteers to do something in GOD's church you don't get a say. When are you going to learn?

They're working for God, they're following the prompting of the Holy Spirit, they're trying to do something God has called them to do and all you can do is put them down?! How dare you.

What are you doing? Are you helping them? Are you encouraging them? Why no. You're not. You're in the background attacking their character.

They're doing God's work.

Whose work are you doing? Tell me, because I'd really like to know.

Church people--sometimes you need to shut your big ugly mouths.

I remember when you, dear church people, made me cry. When you sat in your circles and accused me. You had that look in your eyes, like if you'd have had a rock in your hand you would've stoned me.

Now you're making my friend cry and it pisses me off even more to know you're still at it. To know you still show up every Sunday and sing your songs and say your prayers and to know your heart is still full of vile nastiness.

Why? Why do you do these things?

You, church people, the ones who SHOULD be supporting other church people, are instead breaking people's hearts.

I just don't know how to love you right now.



God forgive me if I've ever been a church person. Help me to never, ever crush someone's spirit.

Amazing Grace

In September of 2008, God allowed me to sing my grandma into eternity. She was a strong woman and fought to the very end, but went peacefully. A gift such as this would come along only once in a lifetime.

Or would it?

In the wee hours of Monday June 7, 2010, I was getting ready to sleep for a couple hours in the adjoining bed in mom's hospital room. By this time, we all knew her time was short, but only God knew the minute and hour he'd call her home. The nurse came in to take mom's vitals. Asked me if I needed anything. I brushed my teeth. I leaned over mom and talked to her. Told her I was going to nap in the bed next to her, I wasn't leaving the room, I'd be right there.

In that moment, her respirations dropped in half. I got closer, kissed her forehead, caressed her cheek, told her I love her. I said, "Ok mom. I'm not going to sleep. I'm just going to stay right here with you, ok?" And I did. More talking. More kissing. More breathing in her scent.

Without even knowing what was happening, I said, "Mom? I don't know if you want me to sing to you like I did grandma, but I sure will."

Amazing Grace

How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

Mom's mouth moved for the first time in days, as if she was singing with me. I started over because I couldn't remember any other words.

Amazing Grace

How sweet the sound

And she breathed her last.

Twice in a lifetime I sang the two most important women in my life into eternity. There is no such thing as coincidence.

Weary.

Tired. Pooped. Out of gas. Running on fumes. The big "E" is flashing and I'm thinking I have to pull over on the shoulder, but there's no shoulder. No exit. Nada. Zippo. Ziltch.

Part of it is out of my control. Part of it was caused by a decision I made last night to take a break and go have some fun.

I should've just stayed home.

But I didn't.

I wanted to say home, but I wanted to go. I went because I thought I needed a pick-me-up. Turns out I did indeed have fun. A LOT of fun. But because of an out of my control factor, I only got 3 hours sleep and today was already slated to be stressful. Add to that no sleep and honest to God, I'm an emotional basket case.

I've asked God for forgiveness. I've asked him for help. Strength. Energy. I'm kinda at wit's end. I have too many responsibilities today and I know I can't fulfill them. There are important deadlines and things I cannot ignore, yet, I have nothing to offer anyone or anything.

I'm on E.

And I don't think I've ever been here before.

The Fall

Why is it that when I hear sermons about The Fall, when I read about The Fall, and when I've done Bible studies that include something about The fall, why is it that they all act as if God didn't know it was going to happen?

God created everything, God knows all, He's known me since the creation of time, universe, earth, and so on--but really? He didn't know Adam and Eve would sin?

I can't get on that train.

I've never heard someone express opinions about the fall that say God created the universe knowing full well the first people would sin and He did it anyway with His divine plan in mind anyway. Nope. I hear them say, God created everything perfect for us and we screwed it up so then He had to come up with the Jesus plan.

Ok, so they don't say it quite as sarcastically as I, but is my point being made?

Quit acting as if God had to change His plans because we did something that surprised Him.

Disgusting

We really are vile.


The FDA says it's okay to put toxic chemicals in baby formula.

The agency does "not have enough data to determine a safe level of melamine and its analogues in infant formula."

And then we're so freaking greedy, we trample store employees to death to get a few bucks off at Walmart. Seriously.


It makes me sick.

Crying about a Tree.

My tree, the beautiful one I post pictures of.

The power company has cut away so many of its branches and I can't stop crying.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Before

After

Winter Weather Advisory. WOW.

(Are you here for Tackle It Tuesday? Scroll down!)

I think we're in for some serious trouble tonight. A fifty degree drop!? And Phil works outside. Ugh. This is going to be a long day.

Tackle It Tuesday

I wanted to take a picture, have something tangible for this week because I'm such a visual person, but to be honest, I have a lot on my mind lately.



So I think my tackles are mental, or maybe not things I can photograph.

• Today's Phil's birthday, Happy Birthday my love. I'm so blessed to have you for my husband, my best friend.

• It's been exactly a year and nine months since my uncle died. Thanksgiving was my special time with him. I don't remember a lot about last year except that I didn't even want it to happen. I'm better this year, but not healed. I don't know if that wound will ever heal.

• I want to tell my good news now. I'm honored and totally humbled to have been asked to be on the editing team of the next edition of Coach's Midnight Diner. I've been waiting for the right time to announce it and I think today's the day. Submissions are now open. I totally feel like I don't deserve this, I am speechless and have been since I got the invitation. I keep waiting to wake up.

• I've been agitated about my novel lately, I learned today why. Going back to the issue of God prodding me, I contacted someone today I've been hesitant to email and after an exchange of emails, I have God's peace about the issue. I know that doesn't make any sense at all to most of you. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I was at a point that my confidence fell off the map. The thing that happened today was God's way of telling me He's in control. Even though I know He is, I have to be reminded of it. And that was something exciting that happened today. I'll not be so cryptic when the time is right. But it's big news and WAY cool. Even better than I expected!

This is a busy week and I've been at odds with myself, so my tackle is primarily to get through this week. The weight of things seems to have doubled today alone. I know why, I just need to be still.

He Chose You...not the other way around

How many times have I heard someone say, "Make a decision for Jesus!"

The statement never felt right. Still doesn't. I know all about inviting Jesus in my heart, but come on, if He wasn't after me in the first place, would I bother?

People don't like to think Jesus knows all the answers. They talk about how maybe we're just puppets on a string to God. Ok. So what? I'd rather be God's dummy than anything else I can think of. I'm protected, loved, cherished, and I'm allowed and encouraged to be me. In fact, I was created to be me. I was given gifts, talents, and unique abilities that only I possess.

God did all that for me.

Why?

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. John 15:16

Nothing to Read Here (part 2)

Here's part 1

From yesterday:

Except Jesus forgot one very important detail. He forgot to let Uncle Ed live.

The downward spiral of Uncle Ed's mental and physical health began without many noticing, I'm afraid. To pinpoint an exact date or time frame would resemble an attempt to duct tape water to the wall.

My Uncle Ed is my mom's baby brother. She was the oldest of four and at the young age of eleven, had to become an adult and raise herself along with her siblings.

I could surmise the downward spiral never actually started anywhere, it began before his birth with genetics. His uncle committed suicide, also.

I could presume that environment piled on genetics led to his demise. His mother was constantly saying, "I just wish I was dead." They'd come home from school to find her down on hands and knees, head in the oven, trying to kill herself. His father was sleeping with his uncle's wife. This is what led his uncle to suicide and the catalyst for his sister, my grandma, my mom's mom, to stick her head in the oven and take up Vodka. Kind of a family tradition, huh?

He was around three when his uncle died, when his dad married his aunt while still married to his mother, when his mom and dad finally divorced. DNA tests later in life, proved that the kids Uncle Ed thought were his cousins were actually his half-siblings.

Hatred and bitterness were just a way of life in this family. Dysfunction exists to a certain degree in every family, seems like we got a bigger dose of it than most.

I could assume, which I did for many years, that the role of the Catholic church played a part in Uncle Ed's ability to cope in a healthy manner. Maybe it was just my grandmother, the Priests, and the nuns twisting the Catholic doctrine, but really, when you're told enough times as a child that you're going to hell--you eventually believe it and then it doesn't really matter what you do because you don't have someone to save you, you don't have a loving God. What you have is a God with a big whip waiting to beat you every time you fuck up and a dead savior hanging bloody from a cross.

Maybe it was the fact that Uncle Ed got into an accident on 80/94, captured by Chicago news stations on film that some of us believe was actually his first suicide attempt. The footage looked like he ran his car right into a semi on purpose. He survived however, life really headed south at this point. He was in and out of hospitals and had a doctor who thought narcotic pain killers were Tic-tacs and doled them out without guilt. Uncle Ed was definitely addicted to them. He had several overdose attempts. I think it got to be something like 6 attempts in 8 months.

In late April of 2005, I got a call around 7:30 in the morning. I hate 7:30 in the morning, it seems to be when all of our family emergencies occur. Anyway, my mom called me and told me they found Uncle Ed passed out in his bedroom, unconscious. They called 911 and he was at the ER, unresponsive. His organs were shutting down and the doctor was suggesting that the family gather because he wasn't going to make it.

I live an hour from the hospital he was at. I woke Phil up, we prayed and I got in the car with my Bible.




More tomorrow.

Keep Moving, Nothing to read here.

Today Cara posted "God's Ways Aren't Necessarily Our Ways" and when I commented on her post, what came out took me entirely by surprise. Again.

I've got to hit this head-on--is there another way? It may be a one day post, it might be a series, right now all I really know is I need to get this out before it kills me.

Confession #1

I thought about journaling all this, but I felt like God was pushing me to do it here, live. Not for attention or sympathy, but I think because here, out in the open I can't pretend it doesn't exist. If I journal it, I can keep avoiding the issue.

So here goes. Confession #2

The reason I'm writing this is because I went through an excruciating time one year ago today. It was really longer than a year, but the climactic ending was on February 20, 2006. This is about my Uncle Ed's suicide. I've shared with very few people what happened leading up to that day. With my innermost, trusted friends I shared some disturbing journaling--I will not share that here. Ever. What I want to get to is this overwhelming fear I have, because I just can't stand it anymore.

I fear that God allowed all of the events of my Uncle's death to prepare me for something worse.

There. I said it. Out loud and in public. You cannot fathom how much I hate admitting that I fear something, but this is incapacitating me. All day, every day thoughts hammer my soul.

Who's next? Will my husband die? My son? My brother? My sister? My parents?

Realistically, I know they're going to die, we all are. But its the cause of death that is clogging up my days like cholesterol in arteries. The walls are closing in even though I'm fighting with everything I've got to get just one more inch further. I'm barely squeezing through and it's constricting my breathing, cutting me off.

The fact that I'm still grieving is of no surprise to me. Here's what gets me. My friend and I are going through Beth Moore's Believing God, both of us for the second time. One of thing stressed is the need to believe God for miracles, to know and acknowledge that during the study you will see a miracle. The first time I went through the course, I believed that my miracle was being present when Uncle accepted Christ from his bed in the ICU after another overdose attempt. The date was 05-05-05.

My miracle happened very early on and I spent the remainder of the study basking in the warm glow of miracle beams. (Read the following in typical Baptist church lady-ese) Oh God is good! My Uncle Eddie found Jesus and he'd want to dive into the Bible, read, learn, absorb, grow, and be with me forever telling the rest of the family about Him and His faithful love. We'd tell them all how Jesus changed Uncle Ed's life, turned it around, he'd be the poster boy for Jesus' redemptive ways. Praise the Lord, Hallelujah and Amen. I believed God and He came through and now Uncle Ed and I, we'd be like Abbott and Costello--but for Jesus. Oh the fun we'd have bringing people to Jesus. Life was full, promising, and everything looked beautiful. Me-the former atheist and Uncle Ed-saved after a suicide attempt both of us now living for Jesus. (End church lady talk)

Yeah.

Except Jesus forgot one very important detail. He forgot to let Uncle Ed live.






More tomorrow.

*sigh*

I'm in a writing rut. I don't think I can call it writer's block because I've got ideas and I know what I need to do, I just don't feel like doing it. Kinda like the laundry and the dishes. And I don't want writing to be chore that I detest. It has always been my sanctuary, even if it hurt emotionally while I was doing it.

Maybe it's cabin fever or maybe it's the anniversary of a loved one's untimely death that's got me down. I don't know.

I don't want to read, I don't want to write, I don't want to do school with Zane. I don't want to clean or cook, I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to watch TV or go to the movies, I abhor the phone lately.

Now sleep--sleep sounds good. But then I have the nightmares, so I can't do that either.

Any suggestions?

Things I Don't Understand: End Times Trend

I was listening to a radio broadcast of a well-known pastor today in the car. I didn't hear much of it because my mind started wandering. He was preaching from Isaiah and talking about when Jesus comes back to rule for the thousand years. He said something about "forced righteousness" He said that in the millennial reign, people won't be able to do wrong even if they want to. That's about where I stopped listening.

I am not an expert, thus the title: Things I Don't Understand.

What I do understand is that Jesus is coming back and I don't know when. But really, beyond that I don't know much. I've read the book of Revelations several times. I've read a couple commentaries and I've listened to some pastors speak on the "End Times." I've read some articles. Not books though. I've heard the pre, mid and post millennial arguments. Forgive me for being crass, I don't care to figure out when Jesus is coming. He said even He didn't know. Didn't he say that?

So anyone telling me exactly what events are going to take place in exactly the order they'll happen as well as what we will be doing in Jerusalem with Jesus during the millennial reign, I just stop listening. The way I understand it, when Jesus came the first time they didn't believe He was Messiah because He didn't come the way they had it in their heads. They thought He was coming as a warrior, to rule--as a government leader.

When I hear about Jesus coming back and how we won't have this democracy, we'll have a theocracy, really-I'm ok with that, but it sounds Pharisee-ish to me. When I hear about Christians ruling with Jesus with our new bodies and "forced righteousness" I cringe. Didn't Jesus say that the least will be first? This preaching sounds heavy with power and pride.

I don't know how Jesus saves people, I just know He does. I don't know what your heart looks like, I know He does. I don't know when He's coming back, I don't think He does either. I don't know what events will transpire before He comes, I just know that He's coming and I'd like to be caught doing something for Him instead of being drunk, overstuffed with food and jovial from the party.

If you know when a thief is coming, is he still a thief?