Editor Stuff, Advice, Pet Peeves

This first go at Coach's Midnight Diner has been enlightening, to say the least. Submissions are closed for this round and now comes the hard part. Deciding.

Reading while submissions were open was not as difficult as deciding which stories I like enough to publish. The Diner is a team effort, but when my name is on something, I hold myself personally accountable for the content. Which means I've taken seriously the effort I've put forth. It'd be nice if authors gave me the same respect.

• For God's sake, read the damn guidelines. I don't care if you've submitted to The Diner or a hundred other publications. How can you call yourself an author if you're throwing your work around without proper study of the guidelines? In my brain, albeit small, you get moved from serious author to hack and if you submit again I refuse to take you seriously.

• I've read this before, but it has become obvious to me that it needs to be said again. (And wow. Really. Are you that stupid?) Learn how to format your document, okay?

I'm developing pet peeves, too. Since I'm opinionated, that's probably scary. Not like I didn't have anything to complain about before today. But the list is growing.

• Don't write "You see," Ever.Again. EVER.
  

• Quit saying "screams in protest." Floorboards scream in protest. Broken femur bones scream in protest. The two-by-four I'm metaphorically using that beats the author blue, however, is not screaming in protest. It rather enjoys its purpose.

• Open your story with a dream--I'm rejecting you. I won't even read any further.

• Same goes with your character waking up in the morning as an opening.

This editing thing is a massive beast of self-esteem pointing right back to my own work. But there's fun to be had in the learning of these lessons.

Coach's Midnight Diner--Submissions Extended

Coach just announced Diner submissions will be extended to May 31st!

The announcement at Relief says:

Diner Subs Open Until May 31

Submisisons for Coach's Midnight Diner will remain open until May 31st. After receiving some harried emails from folks we met at Calvin ("I just found out about the Diner! My story is almost finished but not quite! Can I please have more time?!?!?") I decided to go ahead and leave it open. So go ahead and finish your Shatner on a Plane story and get it in!

I Wonder.

I wonder.

When God starts moving and I start really listening, I wonder what it is he's trying to say. I have my ideas, these grandiose versions of The Plan, these little dots splattered on the atlas of my life, but they really hardly ever lead where I envision.

I go to a place like Calvin for their Festival of Faith & Writing and know within seconds that I'm somewhere I totally don't belong. Please don't get me wrong. It was a great conference, and I met fabulous people. But I'm not all that.

I can't say for sure the exact reason I went. Coach said the Relief team was going and it'd be great if I came and represented The Diner. So I did.

My worst habit is that I find a million things that bug me. I do it all the time. I'm relentless and ruthless in my head. Sometimes out loud. Most of the time in my head though. Things that bug me about conferences like this are (in no particular order):

• People who are fake.
• People who pretend they're listening but aren't.
• People who won't tell the truth.
• People who are pretentious and pompous.
• People who act differently in front of different people.
  

I guess those things are probably all related. They drive me freaking nuts. And the people who have those attributes probably want to smack me to Ohio. We don't get along. At least I see it.

Maybe they don't because they're too busy putting on a smile and watching that prospective agent from across the room. They can't read the sarcasm in my remarks because they've stopped listening, they're reading the lips of the editor that's talking with that prospective agent. They laugh that fake laugh like they're paying attention to me because I laughed, but I said that my grandfather was my least favorite person because he was fake and they didn't even catch that I was cutting them down. They push me aside with a tart, "Excuse me," as the agent makes his way near us. They push out their hands, shake with enthusiasm the agent's hand while speaking of high brow literary bullshit. And it's always funny to watch the agent regard them in the same way they just did me while the agent jokes with me about writing horror.

Or something like that.

And then I wonder what God meant by that.

Things I Meant to Blog About But Ran Out of Time, Energy, or Just Plain Forgot

• Jen reads Randy Ingermanson's blog and he talks highly of this (free) Simple.ology course. Jen's been following the course and I haven't. I had decided to give it a shot, started it, and never got past day one. So I started again today. Which leads me to the next bullet point.
  

• I'm evaluating a multi-media course on blogging from the folks at Simpleology. For a while, they're letting you snag it for free if you post about it on your blog.

  It covers:

  • The best blogging techniques.
  • How to get traffic to your blog.
  • How to turn your blog into money.

  I'll let you know what I think once I've had a chance to check it out. Meanwhile, go grab yours while it's still free.

• Stephen King will appear on NBC Today January 22. If you have questions for Mr. King, see this blog.

• The premiere issue of Mused: The Bella Online Literary Review is live! Heather, one of my crit partners, has a great story in it. Did I mention I'm on the fiction editing team? Submissions are open for the next issue. Hurry and get your story in!

• Submissions are also open for Coach's Midnight Diner. Did I mention I was on the editing team of this one, too? Surely I did. :)

• Did you read about my newest venture? Send me an email if you're interesting in purchasing one for yourself or someone special. Remember, they're totally customizable. Project Lifebook:
  Part I
  Part II

• I think that's it. But y'never know. I might be back later with more.
  

It's official

And now I'm more humbled than I was before. Coach announced the Editorial Team today for the second edition of Coach's Midnight Diner.

Back when Moses was in charge of handling all the issues that the children of Israel were wrestling, his father-in-law Jethro told him, "What the hell do you think you're doing? You're wearing yourself out, man! Go get some help!" Ok, so that's an official Coach Culbertson paraphrase, but the intent is the same. Being a relatively smart man, I decided to take Jethro's advice and recruit from the Diner alumni some colleagues to help man the kitchen of this strange out-of-the-way place.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to some new members of the Coach's Midnight Diner Editorial Team:

• Kevin Lucia - Author of "The Way Station" from the first edition of the Diner, providing wit and speed for the team- http://www.kevinlucia.net

• Mike Duran - Author of "Polly's Muse" from the first edition, solving for the experience and wisdom side of the Diner equation- http://www.mikeduran.com

• Michelle Pendergrass - Bloggerina from the Misfits and Nanowrimo Spring Training Veteran, providing heart for the team- http://zanesmilkmachine.blogspot.com

• Vennessa Ng- Editor Extraordinaire, back for a second round of keeping Coach in line - http://www.aotearoaeditorial.com/

• Melody Graves, Author of "The Looking Glass" from the first edition, will be stepping up as our new Layout Editor - http://www.melodygraves.com

• and of course, your friendly neighborhood fry cook, Coach Culbertson

Providing heart for the team, awwww man. That makes me all weepy and sappy. Although, it also feels a little like that famous quote from the writer I adore: "People think that I must be a very strange person. This is not correct. I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk."

All joking aside, I am humbled like you wouldn't believe to be asked to be invited to the Diner, to have coffee with these amazing people. In my head, I list the reasons I shouldn't be invovled. The main one is always the fact that I don't feel qualified. I doubt that I'll ever feel like I deserve to be given a chance such as this, but I have, and I'm more grateful than words could express.

Head over to the read the full announcement and then get to writing and submitting! There are some great new categories as well as fabulous returning ones.