Hey Church People.

* * *

Note: I originally wrote this in February 2009, but it applies to another friend today, so I'm reposting.

* * *

Y'know. I can handle it better when you pick on me. Leave my friends alone okay?

Why is it you're in this to crush people's spirits? Yes. I said Crush. When someone volunteers to do something in GOD's church you don't get a say. When are you going to learn?

They're working for God, they're following the prompting of the Holy Spirit, they're trying to do something God has called them to do and all you can do is put them down?! How dare you.

What are you doing? Are you helping them? Are you encouraging them? Why no. You're not. You're in the background attacking their character.

They're doing God's work.

Whose work are you doing? Tell me, because I'd really like to know.

Church people--sometimes you need to shut your big ugly mouths.

I remember when you, dear church people, made me cry. When you sat in your circles and accused me. You had that look in your eyes, like if you'd have had a rock in your hand you would've stoned me.

Now you're making my friend cry and it pisses me off even more to know you're still at it. To know you still show up every Sunday and sing your songs and say your prayers and to know your heart is still full of vile nastiness.

Why? Why do you do these things?

You, church people, the ones who SHOULD be supporting other church people, are instead breaking people's hearts.

I just don't know how to love you right now.



God forgive me if I've ever been a church person. Help me to never, ever crush someone's spirit.

The Fall

Why is it that when I hear sermons about The Fall, when I read about The Fall, and when I've done Bible studies that include something about The fall, why is it that they all act as if God didn't know it was going to happen?

God created everything, God knows all, He's known me since the creation of time, universe, earth, and so on--but really? He didn't know Adam and Eve would sin?

I can't get on that train.

I've never heard someone express opinions about the fall that say God created the universe knowing full well the first people would sin and He did it anyway with His divine plan in mind anyway. Nope. I hear them say, God created everything perfect for us and we screwed it up so then He had to come up with the Jesus plan.

Ok, so they don't say it quite as sarcastically as I, but is my point being made?

Quit acting as if God had to change His plans because we did something that surprised Him.

Mo*Con IV--The Love and Business of Writing

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What is Mo*Con?

Brought to you by the Indiana Horror Writers, Mo*Con is a friendly convention focused on conversations revolving around horror literature and spirituality (two great tastes that taste great together!). If you enjoy writing, horror, fantasy, poetry, and food, you’ll find plenty to enjoy at this convention

Writers, editors, publishers and fans of horror and dark fantasy come from across the country to attend Mo*Con. This year’s special guests are Tom Piccirilli, Gary Braunbeck, Lucy Snyder, Linda Addison, Gerard Houarner, Wrath James White, and Steven Gilberts. Previous guests have included Brian Keene, Nick Mamatas, Mark Rainey, Matt Cardin, and Kim Paffenroth. This year’s guests will be participating in a poetry jam, panel discussions, book launches, and a church service.

Our rates are as follows:

Business card (2 X 3.5”): $20.00

Quarter page (2.25 X 4.25”) $25.00

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Full page (5.5 X 8.5”) $75.0.

Full page, inside front cover, $100.00

Inside back cover, outside

Back Cover

Deadline for ad purchase will be April 23, 2009.

2009 will be the inaugural year for the Mo*Con program, so we anticipate it becoming somewhat of a collector’s item. Don’t miss this opportunity to be included!

For more information, contact Sara Larson at wlarson[@]indy.rr.com or Maurice Broaddus at mauricebroaddus[@]gmail.com.

Worship at Church or Home?

I know the preferable answer is both. Meet with other believers at church and also live out your faith at home.

But what happens when a family doesn't have a church? What if they're in transition? What if they're ill? (There could be a thousand what if's.)

So the question de jour: Is it better to go to church once a week and do nothing else--OR-- not go to church and pray with your spouse every morning, study your Bible during the day, teach your children from the Bible throughout the week, and fellowship online with other believers?

No Wonder People Hate "Christians" in America

First Dobson's unbelievably stupid, "Letter from 2012." Seriously--this is the highest order of stupid.

I'm seeing some things that are pushing the limits of my anger.

As seen on a message board:

"It saddens me that people say God's will is Obama be president. Why would God want another godless person? I voted for a righteous man, that McCain would win. And even the name of Jesus did not allow this righetous man. I hope God can do something to have McCain win, there is too much shaddyness with Obama. And I make pennies as it is why have Obama take more for the 'shareing of the pie?'"

Another message board:

"Obama is the Anti-Christ and I have proof. Obama hails from chicago whose zipcode is 60606 (do you see the three sixes ?)

Obama would be a "black" president in the "white" house (satan is described as black in attribute and who seeks to take over the white mansion known as heaven)."

Website:

• Nostradamus prophesied “Mabus” would either be the Antichrist, or the forerunner to the trueMabus.

• Nostradamus set the year 2012 as the end of the world. The Mayan calendar comes to an end in 2012. Obama's presidency would end in 2012!

• A simple word play on this phonetically ironic name will generate Barack=Iraq, Hussein=Saddam (Hussein), Obama=Osama (Bin Laden). Antichrist. Obama+bush=obamabush

• He will come mounted on a white Female horse(Obama mother is white who had 12 African husbands and lovers)

How many Anti-Christs have there been so far? This proves Phil's theory that stupid breeds stupid. This is a special kind of stupid.

Seriously. What is wrong with you people?

It's not like this is just a random occurrence. This shit is all over the internet.

I'm not certain about our economy, our government, our country, and many other issues in life, but folks, that's life! Why do you need to blame someone for your misfortune and your misunderstandings?

Ack! This stuff makes me ill.

Things I Don't Understand: End Times Trend

I was listening to a radio broadcast of a well-known pastor today in the car. I didn't hear much of it because my mind started wandering. He was preaching from Isaiah and talking about when Jesus comes back to rule for the thousand years. He said something about "forced righteousness" He said that in the millennial reign, people won't be able to do wrong even if they want to. That's about where I stopped listening.

I am not an expert, thus the title: Things I Don't Understand.

What I do understand is that Jesus is coming back and I don't know when. But really, beyond that I don't know much. I've read the book of Revelations several times. I've read a couple commentaries and I've listened to some pastors speak on the "End Times." I've read some articles. Not books though. I've heard the pre, mid and post millennial arguments. Forgive me for being crass, I don't care to figure out when Jesus is coming. He said even He didn't know. Didn't he say that?

So anyone telling me exactly what events are going to take place in exactly the order they'll happen as well as what we will be doing in Jerusalem with Jesus during the millennial reign, I just stop listening. The way I understand it, when Jesus came the first time they didn't believe He was Messiah because He didn't come the way they had it in their heads. They thought He was coming as a warrior, to rule--as a government leader.

When I hear about Jesus coming back and how we won't have this democracy, we'll have a theocracy, really-I'm ok with that, but it sounds Pharisee-ish to me. When I hear about Christians ruling with Jesus with our new bodies and "forced righteousness" I cringe. Didn't Jesus say that the least will be first? This preaching sounds heavy with power and pride.

I don't know how Jesus saves people, I just know He does. I don't know what your heart looks like, I know He does. I don't know when He's coming back, I don't think He does either. I don't know what events will transpire before He comes, I just know that He's coming and I'd like to be caught doing something for Him instead of being drunk, overstuffed with food and jovial from the party.

If you know when a thief is coming, is he still a thief?

The Finale or A New Beginning?

I hope it doesn't sound like I am bitter or in pain over the situation I've been telling you about. I was hurt, bitter, and confused. However, in the midst of this battle, I was also dealing with the single-most difficult tragedy in my life...the suicide of my "big brother." He was technically my uncle, but we were really like brother and sister. Growing up, he and my grandma lived just across the alley and I was there more than I was at my own home.

My pastor friend helped me more than I think he knows. He was one of the people God used to bring Uncle Ed to a relationship with Christ. I have thanked God repeatedly for that. The day of the suicide, my family asked me to call the pastor because they knew how much Uncle Ed respected him and also because he was such a great source of comfort to them. They'd never met a pastor outside of a church building and this pastor came to hospitals and to homes. For them, it was God's love through a man. Something they couldn't see in me, because I was just Michelle to them.

I was hurting on so many different levels that day. Two days prior, all of those accusations had been made against me. The last thing I wanted to do was to call this pastor. God broke me in half and crushed me and made me realize that day that it wasn't at ALL about me. It was about the room full of people who were hurting. The people who didn't understand God's promises. So I lowered my head and dropped down to beg for God's forgiveness...and I called him.

I can imagine what he was thinking of me. I don't want to speculate publically though. He visited with all of the grieving family and arrangements were made for the funeral. I was so grateful for him. I still am.

The day of the funeral came and I sat between in the middle of my grandmother and my step-grandmother. Smack between a 40 year bitter fued--one that unfortunately still continues. The funeral parlor was spilling over with people, yet it was silent. The pastor's delivery of the message was just perfect for the audience. He didn't skate around issues or candy-coat them. He said exactly what needed to be said. I heard one faint "Amen" from behind me and I silently thanked Him.

I've been to a lot of funerals, none as incredible as this. I still remember the silence. When the pastor was speaking, I didn't even hear a sniffle, no one blew their nose, and no one cried. Everyone was listening. The experience equates to the one I had on September 11, 2001. Air traffic halted and the skies were quiet. Until then, I had never even noticed how noisy the air was. With Chicago airports silent, the air outside took on a lucid, dreamlike quality. That's how it was in the room when the pastor was speaking.

I sent the pastor a thank you card and meant every word I said. I'm afraid he doesn't believe me because of the events that have transpired. I still love his daughther, his wife, and him. I miss them. I think of them often and I find myself wishing things would have been different. Wondering "what if" It will have to be enough that God knows my heart and knows that I am ever-grateful for what the pastor did for me, my family, and my friends. Sometimes I wish I could go back and have a "do-over." At the same time, though, if I didn't go through all this or if I had the chance to do it over I wouldn't have the lessons and experiences that God wanted me to have.

I've heard it said that there are two directions in a Christian's life: toward God or away from Him. I feel like wondering what if and wishing for do-overs is like walking away from Him. From here, I desire to only move closer to Him. It means that instead of wanting it my way, I lay it down at His feet, ask Him to take it, and I LEAVE IT there. Some things have to die in order to have life.

I heard about "dying to self" but until I had to lay down my pride, I didn't understand. Through these trials, God has ask me to do things I've never done, things that I'm not familiar with, and things I'm not comfortable with. Like when He called Peter out to walk on the water with Him. Peter didn't think about it at first, he just went. He looked around and got scared and started sinking. I was sinking for a little while there and drowning terrifies me. Jesus reached down and grabbed me and at that moment, I had no choice but stare Him in the eyes. He reminded me that He was to be my focus. And later, again like Peter, Jesus flat out told me that it didn't matter what He asked other people to do. He wanted to know if I was doing what He expected of me.

And here we are.

Now to the part you've been patiently wondering about. Thank you for coming with on this short ride. I appreciate your willingness to listen.

The burning churches. Well, I had a dream Monday before I woke up and started posting all of this. I had a dream about burning churches. I believe that is a seed planted for me to water. God will give the increase. This is what the seed looks like:

Churches burn with no sign of a starting point.

Two pastors go head to head--one says Satan, one says God.

They're both hearing voices.


In my head, this book is called Flash Point. One meaning of "flash point" is the point at which something is ready to blow up. Scientifically, to measure a flash point a small cup with liquid in it is heated gradually while being continuously stirred so that the heat is evenly distributed. At regular intervals an open flame is directed into the cup. When the liquid reaches it's flash point temperature, the contents will ignite.





My new verse came first:

My thoughts grew hot within me
and began to burn,
igniting a fire of words
Psalm 39:3

Then the dream. Then the title. Now I must get to writing...

Sleep deprivation, Psychosis and my dreams. Part Five. The Conclusion.

Read Part One Here.

Read Part Two Here.

Read Part Three Here.

Read Part Four Here.



I realize this subject is probably getting old. (That's if you're still with me on it) Even so, it seems like I've got issues to work out concerning the many facets of the situation.

Let's recap. I had a trusted pastor friend who basically (short version) didn't like the way I recalled my dreams and told me God doesn't use dreams anymore. I have come to the understanding that God doesn't use dreams to tell us about Himself or things to come, however, He can and does use dreams to teach lessons or give insight. Can Satan influence dreams? Sure. Can they be "of Satan" if I give them to God? I say no, because of the verse, "Greater is he that is in than he that is in the world."

What's this got to do with sleep deprivation and psychosis? "Child development researchers and other scientists have long observed that babies deprived of touch [tactile stimulation] are more likely to fail to thrive--and even die. The late Dr. John Bowlby's classic studies of infants raised in stark orphanage nurseries in Britain after World War II showed that babies deprived of a caregiver's loving touch more often than others failed to thrive and died. Dr. Bowlby called this "skin hunger"--a baby starving for cuddling, stroking, and holding." Article Here.

I wonder, are dreams to mental health what touch is to survival?

If I had the money, the degree, and the resources, I'd be pursuing this with passion. Studies have shown that without sleep (thus without dreams) people either display psychotic behavior or they actually become psychotic. Is that just like those babies? The infants who were not touched failed to thrive or died.

Satan knows what the Bible says. I'd be willing to say that he probably knows the Bible better than most Christians (if not all.) When Satan tempted Jesus in the garden, he used Scripture. This is so powerfully important and I've heard very little about the impact that has on our daily lives.

I said yesterday, I'd explore how I saw God's hand in all of this conflict and chaos. I think it all centers around what I've learned about God.

In 2 Chronicles chapter 32, we see King Hezekiah's illness, pride, wealth, works, and death. At the end of verse 31 we read, "God left him to test him and discover what was in his heart."

Romans 12:5 says that God has distributed a measure of faith to each believer.

In James 1:2-4 we read, "Consider it great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trial, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing."

God gives each believer a measure of faith. In order for faith to produce, it must be tested by various trials so that the believer may be mature and complete. God tests our faith to discover what is in our hearts.

Repeatedly, I heard from my pastor friend that Satan's plot in this conflict is confusion. He also told me that it was ironic that just about the time God is going to do an "explosive work" at that church, something like this conflict occurs. He said that the devil wanted to make a turn in the road. My pastor friend told me all about Satan and what Satan wanted and how Satan worked.

I never once heard from him how God was working. I find that disturbing and sad. I couldn't count the hours I've spent in prayer and study during this situation. I begged and pleaded with God for His wisdom in this.

The pastor said this, "This [situation,] given proper patience, prayer, and submission, will become a blemish in history not a turn in the road the devil wants to make it."

My take on it--from my heart--is that Satan deserves no glory. There is One and only One who deserves recognition. The Lord my God.

There are so many layers to this conflict, so many whose hearts were tested in so many ways. I choose to focus on myself because I have access to the inner workings of my mind and thoughts and to pretend that I understand what lesson God wants someone else to learn or how He tested another would be foolish.

What I know--what I want to give God the glory for are the lessons He taught me.

I trusted someone else's direction for my life (the pastor's) instead of trusting Him. God was trying to show me that I didn't belong in the position the pastor appointed me. I thought Satan was trying to discourage me from being involved in women's ministry at that church because Satan doesn't like ministry. Sounds logical enough. It did at the time, anyway. I've learned that God was trying to get my attention by not furthering the ministry. I couldn't hear Him, though, because I was too busy focusing on what the pastor was saying and by giving Satan glory.

I allowed myself to be deceived into believing that people who go to church know what God wants. I thought God must want me in women's ministry if His shepherd put me there. This one hurts the most. I blame no one except for myself. The pastor appointed me Director of Women's Ministry and I grabbed the job and ran with all my might. That is not what God had for me. And instead of asking Him, I just assumed that His shepherd knew what He was doing. Oh how foolish of me!!

I thought that God's people should approve of God's call on my life. Now this was just stupid of me to believe. I look back and think that if I'd only have paid attention to (for example) the story of Moses, I'd see that God's people don't always know or approve of what God wants.

I thought others should understand what God was asking of me and I thought it was my job to make them understand. Again, stupid. See Moses again.

I'm still learning from this conflict. I questioned God when it first started, but now I'm finding joy in the trial. I'd rather focus on the fact that God is testing my faith to discover what is in my heart and to increase the measure of faith He gave me.



Now...what's the burning church all about? You'll have to come back tomorrow to find out. (Ok, so I thought I was done. I'm not!)

Sleep deprivation, Psychosis and my dreams. Part Four.

Read Part One Here.

Read Part Two Here.

Read Part Three Here.

The Holy Spirit lives in me, He guides me, comforts me, convicts me, and so much more. Was this pastor friend trying to tell me that the Holy Spirit doesn't know what's going on in my head at night? That He was somehow detached from my dreams? That He couldn't use my dreams to teach me lessons? That He couldn't use a dream to give me an idea?

That is exactly what this friend was telling me. And not just me. This is what he teaches in church. If God made us in His image, that would include our mind, dreams, and emotions. And I say that if I let Satan get a foot in the door, he has the ability to shut me down, discourage me, and fill me with lies. Which ultimately keeps me from doing God's will.


Was this Satan trying to discourage me from writing or God teaching me a valuable lesson?

Several times, I was told that the dreams I was having were Satan's way of trying to deter me from God. I was told that God absolutely does not speak to people in dreams anymore. When I read the Bible, I understand that He may not be using dreams as a way to prophesy but I also understand that God does not change. If He doesn't change, His character never changes, and His ways never change, why would He just stop using dreams as a way to reach people (like the verse in Job states?) Or as a source of comfort and reassurance as in the New Testament shows in different examples?

I was literally sick about this. I was having dreams. A lot of them. But this mentor of mine, my pastor friend was telling me the dreams were basically satanic. I asked how it is that Christ can live IN me--how I can be "of like mind" with other believers and yet, the dreams originate from Satan? How can Satan be IN me when Christ is IN me?

I understand the argument that Satan can influence my conscience mind, therefore my subconscious mind might recollect that influence in a dream but what about "the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world." (1 John 4:4 NLT) If I am to take this at face value, then I see that it says that the Holy Spirit is greater than any demonic spirit who tries to influence me. Wouldn't that indicate that a satanic influence would stand no chance when filtered through the Spirit?


I had a friend tell me that she read parts one, two, and three and didn't understand. She thought I was "too deep." I laughed and told her I don't understand either. I'm trying to work it all out and I had no idea it was going to turn into a series. But I'm not done yet and I'm going to keep going.

Tomorrow I'll explore how I see God's hand in all of this. Especially in the conflict.

Sleep deprivation, Psychosis and my dreams. Part Three.

Read Part One Here.

Read Part Two Here.

That's what it felt like. He hit it dead-on. I was being accused and I had to defend myself. I was preparing my defense. I would be "on trial" Friday night.

The Exodus verse kept coming back to me and I kept questioning God, "How can I present my defense and remain quiet?"

God laughed and made me read the verse again. And again. And again. I felt a little silly after the umpteenth time and it hit me: THE LORD WILL FIGHT FOR YOU; you must be quiet. My focus had been on being quiet. I was still "preparing" for this meeting, this "trial," when I should have been focusing on Him.

When I finally realized my detrimental mistake, I began to learn and a whole new level of understanding was born. God is tough on me. There's no easy way out, no easy answers. If I want to follow Him, I have to understand that it is not all cotton candy and green grassy fields. Sometimes I have to follow Him into that valley--the dark place that scares the life out of me. I have to follow Him to places I've never been before. And I have to trust that He knows what He's doing even when I can't figure it out.

Now comes the part about the Psychosis.

Psychological researchers have tended to minimize the effects of sleep insufficiency, acknowledging that society may be getting too little sleep, but treating the effects of this sleep deprivation as nothing more significant than an inconvenience which makes people feel a bit tired now and then.

This view is incorrect. Recent research suggests that each day with insufficient sleep increases our sleep debt and, when this sleep debt becomes large enough, noticeable problems appear (Coren, 1996a).

Article here.

If we're not entering into REM sleep, we're not dreaming. If we're not getting enough REM sleep, we're not dreaming enough.

The voices that psychotic people hear are often critical voices, telling them that they are worthless or they are doing something incorrectly. Michael Musalek, a psychiatrist at the University of Vienna, has suggested that psychotic symptoms reflect the core existential dilemmas experienced by ordinary people, and that really resonates with me.

VERY interesting article here.

Does it sound like the enemy has a grasp on what we, as humans, don't want to admit?

Presumably, those who had the CBT [cognitive behavioral therapy], and were helped to think about relationships or other problems in a less negative or self-deprecating way, were the less likely to become psychotic?

Same article.

I was in a situation in which I was being pounded by some made-up doctrine and this pastor I trusted was telling me that I shouldn't be paying attention to what I dream and I shouldn't be paying attention to my emotions. I'm not a scientist by any means, I know that. I'm a nobody with problems. I look to God for my answers and try my best to keep my blinders on while I'm looking at Him.

It bothered me a lot to be told that I shouldn't pay attention to my dreams. It's not like I was making decisions based on them. I was simply writing them down and reflecting the meaning.

The Holy Spirit lives in me, He guides me, comforts me, convicts me, and so much more. Was this pastor friend trying to tell me that the Holy Spirit doesn't know what's going on in my head at night? That He was somehow detached from my dreams? That He couldn't use my dreams to teach me lessons? That He couldn't use a dream to give me an idea?

That is exactly what this friend was telling me. And not just me. This is what he teaches in church. If God made us in His image, that would include our mind, dreams, and emotions. And I say that if I let Satan get a foot in the door, he has the ability to shut me down, discourage me, and fill me with lies. Which ultimately keeps me from doing God's will.


Was this Satan trying to discourage me from writing or God teaching me a valuable lesson? I'll explore more tomorrow.

Sleep deprivation, Psychosis and my dreams. Part Two.

Read Part One Here.

I truly believe, with everything I have in me, that God allowed the conflict with our friend so that I would learn some lessons that cannot be heard, but must be experienced. This conflict started as a seed in our pastor friend's mind. It grew until the final harvest was a bitter battle. He accusing me of being "unbiblical" for even considering dreaming and I presenting this accusation to God asking if it was true.

I was told by a very wise man and good friend that I needed to pay attention. If our pastor friend was right, I needed to change things. I took it all in and it was a very serious matter to me. Never before had I been accused of being "unbiblical." And not just that. The list of accusations made was daunting to my tender soul.

Publically, I was accused by the of:

~Not being a Biblical wife (in other words, I did not submit to my husband and I did not have a "meek and quiet spirit")

~Casting frustration on "babes"

~Being over-zealous without knowledge

~Not having "patient endurance"

~I was told that I needed to spend time studying Biblical leadership in Hebrews 13:17

~that I needed to realize the roll of the husband and the roll of the wife

~that I should be learning in silence (that what was seen was "an awful lot of talking and not much learning")

~that I needed to spend time seeking God's will for my life

~that I needed to "be still"

~that I needed patience

~that I needed endurance


Behind my back, I was accused of:

~Frightening new believers

~Teaching unbiblical doctrine

~Being spiritually immature

~And something about these dreams. I was not ever approached directly by anyone who could fully explain what the problem seemed to be, so to this day I do not know.


Yet, I was not approached by my pastor friend about any of this.

I upset his wife one day, without meaning to. I apologized when I saw she was getting upset and I tried to explain myself. The apology fell on deaf ears. She must have told her husband because the next day he called a total of six other friends and urged them to recall anything I had done to anyone in the past year that seemed questionable because they needed to "take care of this for good." And he invited me over so they could "care over my soul." He told me it was non-adversarial. I told him that it didn't feel that way. He told me that I shouldn't base things on "feelings."

Now I'm not a Biblical scholar, but I am a student. I understood that if I upset someone, they were to come to me privately. Since this didn't happen, I didn't know what to do. Remember, I'd been away from God for twelve years and had just been walking with Him again for the past two-ish. I called on another pastor friend that we'd met on several occasions and also our associational director. I received excellent advice from both of them and I spent a good seven hours a day for a full five days, studying the Bible, praying and studying Biblcal "experts" in the areas of accusation.

Weeks before this avalanche, I was reading my Bible. I was in Exodus. 14:14. I couldn't continue reading until I underlined that verse. It says: "The LORD will fight for you; you must be quiet."

During this time, my husband accused me of being "consumed" with the situation and he was angry that I was spending so much time with my nose in books. He said it looked as if I was a lawyer preparing for trial.

That's what it felt like. He hit it dead-on. I was being accused and I had to defend myself. I was preparing my defense. I would be "on trial" Friday night.

The Exodus verse kept coming back to me and I kept questioning God, "How can I present my defense and remain quiet?"

Sleep deprivation, Psychosis and my dreams. Part One.

I had another dream last night. I haven't told you about the other dreams because frankly, I was afraid. I know, I know. You don't peg me as one to be afraid. True. I'm not...usually.

I knew this pastor; he was a very talented and gifted teacher. Our families became close friends and we enjoyed each other's company. Or so I thought. Now I'm not so sure if he was just pretending to like us because that's what he thought a pastor was supposed to do. I thought he was genuine, but I can't be sure about that now.

I remember my dreams. A lot of them. A couple years ago (I know the date but I won't bore you with those details) I had a very vivid dream about Jesus. It was refreshing considering I normally have nightmares. I keep a journal and I wrote down the dream before my eyes were even fully open. A couple months later, I was in prayer and that dream came and that pastor came to mind. I sent him a copy of the dream. He didn't respond other than say, "I got the email. I'm sorry I haven't had time to respond."

YEARS later, this pastor accused me behind my back of having some kind of affinity for the mystical. As if I was trying to use my dreams as prophesy or something strange like that. This was while I thought our friendship was real. I still, to this day, don't understand why a friend, a pastor, wouldn't come directly to me if he had something to say. No one's perfect, I understand. But this man constantly talked about confronting issues head on. He had no trouble "knocking on doors." He made the visits to the members who were going astray.

Then there was Phil and me. This friend said he trusted us more than anyone else. And he couldn't come to us to tell me he wasn't clear on where I stood? His accusations and lies cut me to the core. I couldn't fathom that someone who said several times to us, "I prayed for you guys and God brought you to me," could now be spreading lies.

We tried to ask him to meet with us to resolve the issue. He refused. The betrayal of a friend and a teacher was a lot for my soul to carry. I gave my pain to the Only One who is capable of healing. What this friend and teacher did made me question my ability to discern the things of God. I fell into a depression that I hadn't seen in quite some time. Fourteen years, to be exact.

(And I JUST realized something as I typed that. It was fourteen years TO THE MONTH, EXACTLY, that I had been that depressed. I'll have to write about that.)

When a trusted friend lies and allows people to believe lies, it hurts. There is no other way to explain it. The betrayal of a loved friend, a respected teacher, and a brother in Christ carries the ability to drive the knife the deepest. I questioned myself and my relationship with God because of this. I wondered if I was dabbling with things of the past. The dark past I've mentioned before. Maybe I lying to myself. Maybe I really didn't belong to God? Did I have these dreams because I belonged to the enemy? Was I allowing myself to be used by the enemy? People seemed to be afraid to talk about dreams. Why? I just didn't understand.

I was reading in Job chapter thirty-three one morning and happened upon these verses: (15) He speaks in dreams, in visions of the night when deep sleep falls on people as they lie in bed. (16)He whispers in their ear and terrifies them with his warning. (17)He causes them to change their minds; he keeps them from pride.

Tomorrow, I'll indroduce you to studies that have been done on sleep deprivation and psychosis, some of my thoughts, and more of the story.










Note: Curm are you reading this? Remember this? Joshua 5:10 says that while the Israelites were camped at Gilgal--healing--they kept the Passover on the evening of the fourteenth (day of the month) Does this fourteenth year signify a new beginning for me? I can barely get the words out. In the Beth Moore Study, "Believing God" she teaches on this very passage in Joshua. She explains that being uncircumcised was a way of wearing their reproach, their disgrace. "At Gilgal, God cut away the sign of their unbelief. They wore the mark of their new beginning." She goes on to say, "Often a wounding precedes our full reception of God's promises, but healing always follows." She also uses an analogy of pregnancy. (I'm paraphrasing and taking her example a bit further) The first 14 days of a woman's cycle are in total preparation for conception. A surge in a particular hormone on about the 14th day of the cycle triggers ovulation. A mature egg is released where it is then in a position to be fertilized. Now there is a new creation, a new beginning. I don't really care if it sounds ludicrous!! I find it totally fascinating!!

"Being Mocked: The Essence of Christ's Work, Not Muhammad's"

This article by John Piper is just phenomenal. The explaination is so clear.

Sometimes I've wondered why Christ had to suffer so violently. I understand.

What we saw this past week in the Islamic demonstrations over the Danish cartoons of Muhammad was another vivid depiction of the difference between Muhammad and Christ, and what it means to follow each. Not all Muslims approve the violence. But a deep lesson remains: The work of Muhammad is based on being honored and the work of Christ is based on being insulted. This produces two very different reactions to mockery.