Too dramatic of a photo?
I don't know.Maybe.
They're not narcotics.
I'm not addicted.
I am dependent, though.
Without them, I cease to function. And that's not melodramatic. Just ask my husband or my son. Or my friends who watched my health nosedive the past couple years. I mean, replacement thyroid hormones aren't the worst thing that could happen in my life. But it's still ever-present.
I'm lucky that my health is pretty good when I take my pills (at 3:45am every morning. Before coffee. Obviously. Not within taking any other medications 1 hour before or after. Not within 4 hours of taking antacid before or after.)
I'm blessed it's not something more serious. But it is chronic and there's not a cure and I'll never be able to stop taking this pills.
And I lost a good chunk of the last two years finding out my thyroid shut down. I spent around 17 out of 24 hours sleeping. That was the year my Christmas tree stayed up until July 27th. I really can't remember much of late 2007 to sometime around 2009. Some big things, yeah. But I was checked-out.
So I'm guilty I lost that much of my life. Guilty I didn't notice it sooner. Guilty that it has taken so freaking long to get the meds at the correct dosage. Guilty that I weigh 236 pounds. Guilty that I have to take so much time out of my day to exercise and work my butt off to see little to no results.
I know it's out of my control. I think it just takes awhile to get used to such a big change in my life. I've never been unhealthy then BAM! From nowhere this thyroid thing came in with a one-two combo and knocked me out.
I'm just now getting my life back. My meds, according to my doctor, are at the right level. I have exercised (per his orders) at least 30 minutes a day, EVERY day. I've went above and beyond and exercised an average of an hour a day EVERY day for the past 22 days.
I'm doing it and I will continue to do it and someday, hopefully, I'll stop feeling guilty about how much of my life this consumes.
* * *
Next week's word is: BOLD
You have from now until next Monday to take your photo, post it and you'll be able to link it next Monday. I can't wait to see what you come up with!
* * *
Also, since the word hope was so challenging for me, I thought I'd give you a head's up on a month's worth of words so thatI you can have some more time to get just the right shot.
Week #5--Bold
Week #6--Free
Week #7--Clueless
Week #8--Angry
* * *
Also, since the word hope was so challenging for me, I thought I'd give you a head's up on a month's worth of words so that
Week #5--Bold
Week #6--Free
Week #7--Clueless
Week #8--Angry
pop⋅in⋅jay--noun--a person given to vain, pretentious displays and empty chatter.
In other words, blogging. ;)
Isn't that what this personal blogging is all about? Me. Me. Me. For this photo challenge, that's perfect. We're going to dig inside of ourselves and do some "concept photography."
I'm going to give you a word and you're going to take a photo of something that describes the concept of the word.
- You CANNOT take pictures of your kids or your pets for this challenge. Or anyone else's kids or pets. I know they're precious, but they make your creative bone lazy. Let's get outside of the box. Let's be challenged.
Please leave the link to your post (not the link to your website or blog.) For example:
Right: http://michellependergrass.com/week1_photo
Wrong: http://michellependergrass.com
So--Let's see your photos for GUILTY
Link up and don't forget to visit the other participants!
8 comments:
Oh, Michelle! I can't imagine being in your shoes, but I feel like I can relate because there was a little while after my husband lost his job in the big tech crash of 2000 and we moved back in with my parents and with our one year old daughter for about 8 months that I became very depressed and even to the point that when my doctor suggested medication I didn't even question it, I latched on to the help quickly. I was not addicted, but I, too, was dependent. And then going back off of them months later was scary and hard because I was afraid that I'd relapse without them. I wasn't mentally checked out before I got the meds but I was definitely emotionally clocked out there for a little while. But all this to say, I don't think you can notice stuff like that right off the bat when you're the one in the middle of it. Especially if you're like me and you tend to question and second guess yourself a lot. You think, I'm crazy, and then you think, no I'm just imagining it, and then you think, great I'm crazy for imagining that I'm crazy... (It's a little weird in my head sometimes.)
The one thing I remember feeling the most after my doctor told me that I was depressed was, oddly enough, empowered. Because now I knew that I wasn't imagining things, now I had a name for what was going on, now I had an enemy to fight against and a plan of attack. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but if you're guilty of anything, I don't think you're guilty of not noticing right away that something was wrong, I think you're guilty of beating yourself up for it afterward. But there is freedom from that my friend! (Haven't you listened to Beth Moore??) ;0)
Keep up the good work, by the way! I'm so proud of you! (You've stuck to your exercising goals like none of the rest of us have. That takes determination and hard work!!)
I thought it was depression for a long, long time and kept trying to talk myself out of it. My dad's bipolar and I just refuse to let a thought of something like that enter my head. But the way I was sleeping and gaining weight and just completely out of it--I seriously thought I was headed for the psych-ward. But I wasn't sad or hopeless. Just out of it.
Then I got a thyroid test and my doctor said it's the worst he's seen on someone "so young." Most people are on around 30mcg. People who have their thyroids removed--around 130mcg. Me? 150mcg!
I think during the time the dr was messing with my dosage (increasing almost every month but not working) I got depressed. Everything was out of whack and nothing was working and I was down.
It's getting better though. Day by day, right?
Day by day! Step by step.
Funny thing, when I was depressed... I thought I was PREGNANT! Sleeping during the day, sleepless at night, gaining weight, muchies, moody.. makes sense right? Except the test said "no" so I went to the doc and she asked me point blank, "are you happy?" And I broke down in tears right there in front of her. So that pretty much answered that question.
Again, like you said, one day at a time. Remember that comment I made back on the post about being afraid to draw close to God? I think I said something about being put in a situation where I HAD to? That's one. Maybe this, all of this, is just one way for God to get to hold you close.
Oh and btw - I didn't walk around moping and sad either. More like "turned off" and not really up OR down. I was going through the motions with a fake smile plastered on my face, I didn't really care about anything, I clocked out of the feeling department so I couldn't feel anything. When she asked if I was happy I suddenly realized how UNhappy I was. I had EVERY single checkpoint on her list for signs of depression EXCEPT for the extreme sadness and suicidal thoughts, which I am IMMENSELY grateful to God for. But I just wanted to mention this, for the sake of anyone else reading... depression has many different faces and affects people differently. You don't have to be to the point of extreme intense sadness and thoughts of suicide to be depressed. I think some people think that you do, and I know that I didn't think I was depressed because I didn't know that, and so I didn't seek help right away because of it.
I just felt the need to say that...
I think it's good that you can get help/medication and even if the problem isn't permantly solved, at least there is a solution, I can never imagine being in your shoes but I do know what is like to be helpless when you're sick but I am sure you'll be fine, you sound like a strong person
and I feel a bit gulity for not having this week's popinjay, perhaps next week
I can so relate to the meds thing just with lupus. I can't take mine now because its just gotten too expensive. But the difference from when I'm on it and when I'm not is pretty dramatic.
I'm doing my best right now to exercise and eat carefully because I'm convinced that while diet doesn't cause lupus I'm certain it makes things worse.
I'm happy that you've seen such a difference since you've been on it! And your hour of exercise for the last 22 days is inspiring!
I don't see why you should be guilty. This is just one more way you are taking care of yourself, just like eating and bathing. As mothers I know it's easy to toss our own needs aside. But I can tell you my family has gotten so much stronger since I started pursuing my own interests. My husband handles the kids so much better now. And they also show more independence doing household chores and wanting to go do things that relate to their interests. It's been very good for us.
So don't feel guilty *hugs*
I totally understand your post - I'm not sure though that I've identified Guilt with it - but now that you've typed it out, I think I have. Today I walked 2.65 miles, which I've been doing 3-4 times a week, without seeing the scale move. I think I have felt guilt to watch the clothes change from the size 8 to the size sixteen, watching the scale go from the 140-227. Sigh. It is how God made me, and I'll keep working to stay as healthy as I can. :)
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