Neglected by Choice

Most of you out there in blogland also follow me on Twitter or Facebook so you probably already know why this blog has sat dorment for a month. The rest of you, maybe sponsors I've just started building relationships with or new readers should understand this isn't typical at all.

Here's the recap of the last month:

April 14th: I headed to Calvin Festival of Faith and Writing to represent Relief Journal and The Midnight Diner as the new president of the company that publishes them, ccPublishing.

On the way there, my sister called me concerned with my mom's health.

April 16th: My dad's birthday, mom was hospitalized. I was still at the conference.

April 20th: Doctors find a 5cm brain tumor in mom.

April 24th: My parent's 39th wedding anniversary, mom has brain surgery. Doctors diagnose her with Diffuse Large B-cell Lymphoma. (We canceled our trip to our grandson's first birthday party in Missouri to be at the hospital for mom's surgery.)

April 26: Phil's step-dad, the only dad he's known because his dad died in an auto accident when Phil was a year old, is diagnosed with lung cancer, has a large tumor in his lung and the cancer has wrapped around his spine and nearly severed a vertebrae.

April 29th: We leave for Missouri.

April 30th: Phil's step-dad has surgery to remove the lung tumor and part of the spinal cancer.

May 3rd: Phil's step-dad has surgery again, this time to put in an artificial vertebrae.

May 6th: Phil's daughter puts on a second-first birthday party for our grandson! :)

May 7th: Mom has an IV bubble put in her brain for chemo.

May 8th: Back to Indiana.

May 9th: Mother's Day, I spent the day with mom at the hospital.

May 10th: Mom's chemo started.



And here we are. I've been at a hospital nearly every single day since April 20th. Thank goodness for friends who are willing to help out with Popinjay (and will continue to help!) until things are a little less frantic around here. I've made some commitments to a couple sponsors and I'll be catching up on those posts soon as well as trying to participate in Popinjay. I might even get to post a blog or two with thought on this past month. You all know how much I loathe cancer for taking my best friend, Jill.

Amber said something when this all started, I can't remember when it was, but she said something about all this stuff hitting right after some very good things happened in my life regarding God. I can't help but think she's right. That's the idea I need to explore. Am I cursed or blessed? I've posted about that before with a lighter tone, but after several writer's conferenced and critique partners who've mentioned the fact that I might well be cursed--I might just believe it. LOL

Now What?

It was very hard for me to hit "publish" on this one.

* * *

In October of 1999, Zane was born. Phil was driving our semi over the road and he was home one day out of every thirty. That year, Jill and I spent New Year's Eve together afraid for Y2K. We survived.

In 2000, we filed bankruptcy on that semi and moved back to Indiana and lived with my parents for a short time. Phil found a driving in job in Chicago and he was home two days out of every seven.

In 2001, 9/11 happened and I was scared for our lives. I'd never, ever heard it so quiet outside as when all planes were grounded. That month, we found a duplex to rent, Zane turned 2, potty-trained and I was still trying to decide if I was a good mom or not.

In 2002...Phil got a local job hauling fuel and was home EVERY night.

In 2003, Phil and I bought the Knox house. I started attending a church for the first time since I was let down by a different church back in 1992.

In 2004, doctors thought Phil had cancer. He didn't. He did, however, punch a wall and break his hand and have to have pins put in.

In 2005, I was reading my Bible daily, active in Women's ministry (and Phil in men's ministry) and I was really getting to know God. Jill told me she had breast cancer and had already been battling it for a year. She'd already had a mastectomy and chemo and radiation. She made me get a breast exam. And I think they thought I had cancer. I then had an ultra sound. Then a mammogram (and platypus poop.) Then I had to see a surgeon. He told me I didn't have breast cancer.

In 2006, I was called to write. "Write." (I noticed I posted that on 12/02/06. Wonder if that has anything to do with 12:26?) That year, I also lost my Uncle Ed. I'm not sure there's ever been a time when I felt as close to God. And that's also the year my church gave me a wake up call--lying about me, accusing me of ridiculous things, and leaving me alone during a time of huge, monumental need. Phil thought he was having a heart attack. Our fridge broke. Phil lost his job. Phil had double hernia surgery. We almost lost our house. 2006 was probably the hardest year of my life. I felt so alone that year. And God taught me more about His love than I could've ever expected.

In 2007, my thyroid completely shut down and I've been trying to get my brain (and my body and my life) back ever since. It's also the year I was asked to be on the editing team at The Midnight Diner.

In 2008, I lost my best friend, Jill in January. She might have survived Y2K, but she did not survive breast cancer. And then my grandma passed away in September. I was asked to be Editor-in-chief of The Midnight Diner.

In 2009, We were taken on a trip of a lifetime to Key West and Marco Island, Florida in March. Phil quit truck driving altogether! He started working as property manager for Inspiration Wood. We were blessed with a grandson in April. Around May, I finally started feeling like myself again with the help of some replacement thyroid hormone. We moved in June and I've been trying to figure out what life is now that Phil's home all day, every day and now that everything has changed.


* * *


I started this post with the intention of talking about how I feel separated from God right now. I mean, I know He's there, He just feels distant to me and I remember hearing people talk about feeling this way and I distinctly remember thinking, "I will NEVER feel that way. I will always feel as close to God as I do at this very moment."

I was going to talk about this new Bible I got, The Books of the Bible--with no verse references--and how I was going to start reading that for the New Year.

But I got caught up in looking at the way things got so ugly during the time I was closest to God. I remember what I went through and the lessons I learned after I did Beth Moore's Believing God study. Things I haven't found the courage to write about.

And though God says, "Do not be afraid."

I am afraid.


I'm afraid that if I get close to Him again, something worse will happen. And I don't know how to let go of that fear.

I know I'm the one keeping the distance from God.

I said it.

Now what?

Blessings

I need to do this today. I had originally intended to post all the CRAP that's happening, but what's the point? I sent an email to one of my bloggy friends and then realized that even though there's so much wrong, there's also a lot that's right.

So.

• My husband loves me and I love him. Today, that's a big deal. When so many other couples are divorcing or are complacent and uncaring, I am grateful for Phil. What you see is what you get with us, I talk about him all the time because he's so much a part of me. I'm not sure I would have the strength to go on without him. Y'know that song Johnny and June? Well, not just the song, but the Johnny and June love story? ("...and when you're gone, I wanna go too, like Johnny and June...") Yeah, that's us minus singing careers. It was rough in the beginning, but it's always been stronger than we're able to explain.
  
  
  
  
• My son. He'll be nine on Saturday. Nine! Goodness how did that much time go by? He's turning into his father (which pleases me to no end.) He's such a good kid. Sensitive to people's needs, caring, loving, funny--man is the kid funny. For example, yesterday he says, "When you see RIP on a tombstone, it's Rest In Peace. If a Lego guy died, it would have to be Rest In Pieces."

• Our health, I mean, aside from bumps, sprains, bruises and such, we're pretty healthy people. Phil's got high blood pressure, I've got this (as of yet unfixed) hypothyroidism but those are totally treatable and minor in comparison to things I don't want to talk about.

• We have families who love us.

• We still have our home.

• Phil still has a job.

• We've got the best friends anyone could ask for.

• There's food on the table and clothes on our backs.

• We're able to give a little each month to our little girl in Peru through Compassion International.

We're really not that bad off. And I need to remind myself because I'm sure I'm in the midst of a big ole rootin' tootin' spiritual battle. I've walked in this fire before, I remember what it feels like to try to continue walking with those unhealed blisters on the bottom of my feet. It's not fun, but I understand it's a part of walking with Christ.

Feet are important this time, I'm trying to figure it all out.

Feet walk, run, jump, play, bend, twist. Feet are the foundation of our walk.

Any other valuable foot notes? ;) Pun totally intended.

Are You on Thyroid Meds?

It's been almost a week. I'm noticing slight changes. I'm getting up in the morning better. That's about it. But the doctor did say it could be a couple weeks before I notice things.

I've had this weird headache come on today. It doesn't feel like a sinus/allergy headache. It is located at the top and back of my head and it is also making it hard to read. I'm wondering if it's hormonal? (TMI alert) It's that time and I'm wondering if since I've got the thyroid meds in me, if my monthly cycle will begin to be weird until things are regulated? Phil told me to drink a Coke. LOL. I took some Tylenol to see if it would help. So far it hasn't.

Coke is next on the list.
Then a sinus pill, just in case.

Or maybe I'm just getting a cold?

Update--The Doctor Called

His first words were, "Congratulations Doctor, you have correctly diagnosed yourself!" I laughed. He makes fun of me because I do so much research before I come see him. He said, "You are extremely hypothyroid."

We were both relieved that I wasn't diabetic. He also said my cholesterol wasn't ideal, but we're not addressing that right now because he believe as soon as we get the meds going and things regulated that the cholesterol problem will correct itself, or rather, correcting the thyroid issues will set things right.

Honestly, I'm thrilled to find out I'll be feeling better soon! I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life and I'm so tired all the time. (That's just part of it, the list of symptoms is atrocious!)

So--here's to hypothyroidism and feeling better soon!

Donated Breastmilk Saves Baby Isabella's Life

Isabella was born premature and weighed one pound, 2/3 ounces on Jan. 9, 2008.
(Photo credit: Jerry Sciulli)

I saw this on the news the other night. I was eating dinner while watching the news--something I don't do too often. I had one of those cries that are good and bad at the same time. Still today, reading the article again, I am at once heartbroke and full of awe and amazement.

It is also one of those moments that somehow still come, more infrequent now, yet, it happens nonetheless. The "ninnies" (as Zane called them) feel the let-down again. The sensation that it's time to nurse hits full force and I don't understand how, five years after Zane weaned, I can feel as if I could pick up a baby right now and nurse. But it happens.

And I wish I still had milk I could donate.

I don't want to summarize the story. Please, go watch or read it yourself.

Click here to watch the video.

Click here for the online article.

Click Here: Learn More About the International Breast Milk Project.

Pilates for Dummies

In the last 5 days, I've done Pilates 4 times. Yesterday I had such a killer sinus headache that I could barely function. I guess I should have done them anyway, but I didn't. So I moved on and got up early today to:

• Journal
• Pray
• Do Pilates
• Make Phil's lunch
• and now I'm here.

I might have a thyroid problem--I'm making an appointment to get that checked. In the meantime, I'll just have to pretend that there is no reasonable explanation for my weight gain other than I'm lazy and I eat too much. LOL

I took a thyroid quiz online just now. It said I answered 30 out of 41 questions in a way that would indicate that I have a problem and I have a 73% chance of having an under active thyroid so I should see my physician very soon.

In 2006, I started at around 200 when I did the Weight Watchers point system. I didn't go to meetings or pay or anything like that, I just followed the points. I lost about 15lbs in 3 months and went from an 18 pants to a 14. I stayed that way for quite some time.

Then something happened over the last year and I've gained about 35-40lbs. That is just incredibly ridiculous!! I'm not gorging or eating non-stop. I don't have a horrible diet. I mean, I can see gaining back what I lost, but wow. This is honestly just uncalled for.

So I'll do Pilates. And go to the doctor. And figure this out. Because I'm fat, I'm tired all the time, I'm having intestinal issues, and I can't figure out what is going on.

I Hate Being Sick

I barely made it out of bed at all yesterday.

My fever: 102.2

My fever dream: The short story I'm working on for the Indiana Horror Writers anthology was printed out on a table. I saw a huge, god-like semi-colon in the air above it. A big freaking semi-colon. I said (to the semi-colon, mind you) "What are you doing there?" It said, "Two parts are not supposed to be together, but I make it so"

The best part of the day:

Zane: "Are you feeling okay, Mommy?"

Me: "No, I feel horrible."

Zane: "I can pray for you."

Me: Start crying

Zane: Puts my head on his chest and prays that Mommy feel better.


Today: No fever. Oh the faith of a child.