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Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Nothing to Read Here Part 4

Here's Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Phil had already left for work, I yelled at Zane to stay inside and I ran out to check on Uncle Ed. He was unresponsive, but still had a pulse. The first call to 911, the second to our pastor and our pastor called a deacon on the way over.

I followed the ambulance while Pastor gathered some things for Zane and got his car seat and packed him into his car. Zane came to the ER for a bit, to be honest, I don't remember how long. I know I trusted Pastor and Deacon to take care of Zane and they told me not to worry about him, I thank God they were available. I know Zane stayed the night at the Deacon and his wife's house.

I don't know if I can fully express how pissed I was that Uncle did this. Pissed at myself for not realizing he handed over his pills so willingly because he'd already taken them, pissed at him for being an addict, and though I can't exactly remember specifically yelling at God, I think I was pissed at him for leaving everything in my hands. The entire family at Jen and Matt's wedding. They got to dress up, go out, have a wonderful dinner, have drinks, dance, celebrate. Where was I? In the ER with my Uncle. The suicidal addict. Alone.

I tried over and over again to get anyone to answer their cell phone that night, but the music must have been too loud. I prayed, though now it seems weird that I would pray to God since I was pissed at Him, but y'know, I love my husband and I still love him when I'm pissed.

Part of me gets really resentful for being thrown in the middle of these family emergencies. Like when my dad was having a nervous breakdown, pointed his loaded crossbow at me and threatened to take me out. Like when my grandma fell down her basement stairs with a blood alcohol level so high the doctor was surprised she survived. Are we being honest here? Why is it that I can't get to dress pretty, have some drinks and dance the night away? Why is my life full of crisis? What did I do to deserve the chaos?

Or am I blessed beyond measure because of the crisis and chaos? Am I just selfish and should consider it joy to experience various trials knowing that the testing of my faith produces endurance. And remember the rest of the sentiment from James here: But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.

So that I may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. What has God got up His eternal sleeve?

Finally, late in the night, I got ahold of my mom. By that time, Uncle Ed had been moved to the ICU. He kept asking for his doctor, y'know...the pill pushing idiot who said to us when we called him to address the addiction issue, "The man is in pain, I'm not going to stop giving him Vicodin." I'm getting ahead of myself. Because Uncle Ed was at my house, an hour away, his beloved Dr. Brown of Lake County wouldn't come to Starke county.

Sitting outside of the ICU in the hallway for most of the night making phone calls exhausted me, completely. Phil kept asking if he should come home and even though I hated being alone, I didn't know what he could really do.

Inside Uncle Ed's room, he was trying his his best to play me. What does that mean?


More Tomorrow. I didn't realize how exhausting this would be.

1 comment:

Dan Keohane said...

Hang in there, MP. You're doing great. Reading this, I can't help feeling 'this is an important thing she's doing - don't know why, really, but it feels very important.' Take a break, breath in some normalcy for the rest of the day, then keep telling us this story when it feels time to continue....