Why yes, it is the name of one of my favorite Jeremy Camp songs. It hits me where it hurts.
It starts:
Every single word I say, You know it before I speak.
You know every thought, the deepest part of me.
You draw me close and then I see...
Your presence is everything I need
To be the child that You've created me to be.
Can I tell you something I don't often admit? I am needy. I need to start admitting it more. But, wow...this is difficult to talk about. I don't want to talk about it because it is true. If I tell you I'm needy you'll see a flaw, a pretty serious one. And to know what people are like and how they judge and abuse knowledge and get all self-righteous, it is scary to admit I have a weakness.
Well of course you already know I have weaknesses and flaws. You may have already found some and are just waiting to see if they show up again. For what? To maybe feel a little better about your flaws? Oh now...wait? Don't go there? We both have a problem, friend. It's called pride.
Pride causes me to want to hide things. Like this being needy. I don't want to admit that I like it when people say something nice about me or about what I write. It feels good. And yes, God did give us the Spirit so that we will encourage our siblings. And we should do that whenever we can. But when I hear praise, I don't want it to become my reason. I don't want to write so that my reward becomes the praise. I don't want to write so that my reward is a blessing. I want to write to bless Him. So as my Father, He will read it, smile and say, "She did listen!"
But I am needy. And I can't "hear" Him. So He sends a sibling in my life to put an arm around me. A sibling to say, "That's really good." And I feel better...for a little while. It seems to be a never ending cycle. Needy writer writes. Feels uncertainty. Must be insane. Who else is like this? Depression. Discouragement God sends approval. Feels good. Yeah...it is good, isn't it? I should be proud of it, shouldn't I?
Wait.
Is this the point at which I'm supposed to pay attention? Did I just take the credit for what God gave me? Did I take credit for writing something? Did I just overlook the fact that God sent someone especially for me, specifically for me? Do I think I'm a better writer than someone else? Do I think I'm more deserving somehow? Is that "self-justification" kicking in? Am I believing that I am better at characterization? Plotting? Dialogue? Craft? And is that other person another writer who is writing for God??? How did I get here?
Pride.
I'm ready now to see it your way
Lay Down my pride
My desires
My demise
It would be far better for me to acknowledge on a constant basis that I am nothing without that which He gives. Better for me to admit I'm needy. Because He already told me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness" and I ignored Him.
Ready now to see it your way
'Cause I'm done
I'm through
Ignoring you
Now its true
I'm kneeling at the cross of your grace
3 comments:
I love that song, particularly because of how powerful the lyrics are.
And I can relate to what you said. Pride is what God hates most, and yet it's something I struggle with. It's been interesting to see how in the past three years God has put me in situations where I needed to accept other people's help. It's humbling. But I think He wants us to be more interdependent on each other than independent.
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this. I have to admit that I'm there with you. I love comments on my blog; I love hearing, "Wow - that's good writing when I show a short story or a piece of my novel." I love showing my stuff, stomach crinched, hoping I'll be loved an admired. It's pitiful.
Michelle,
Moving three years ago ended up being much more difficult than we thought it'd be. It's such a long story, but one angle of it is how God began to deal with my sin, revealing it to me in pieces and allowing or placing me in situations that exacerbated the pace. For the first time in my life, I began to see my pride. And not just a little, but layer upon layer upon layer (see? I have a bigger problem with pride than you, so I'm proud of myself...bigtime "just kidding" there). I actually remember saying to some friends across the dinner table, "I have NO pride left," to which my husband (with a wink and a nod, but the truth) said, "Ummm, isn't THAT statement prideful?" Ouch!
And the thing is, it's sneaky. Perhaps you've had some measure of "success" in dealing with it (or surrendering it), but then it can manifest itself in other ways. Truly, I don't WANT to be further humbled, it HURTS. But, oh, how God has used my pain, my weakness, to demonstrate his strength and compassion.
So, I hear ya. We really are all in "this" together, so as I pray to have this stronghold released in my own life, I'll think of my bloggin' pals Michelle (and Heather).
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