Popinjay--BITTER

The challenge word issued last week is: BITTER.

I first wanted to take a photo (somehow) of my feelings of bitterness towards the church (in general) for being so legalistic. But the more I thought about it, the deeper I dug a hole. If I take a picture of a church building, that's just a building. It has nothing to do with the people who congregate there. I could stand outside of a church on Sunday morning and snap some shots of the people leaving. But they're not necessarily the people I have issue with. I could dig up some old photos of the people I do have issues with--but that doesn't seem quite right.

Then I thought I'd go to the store and take some pictures of vinegar and baking chocolate.

Then I thought, I'll just skip it, because I know what the truth is and I'd rather hide it.

In the same vein as my Bad Attitude post, here it is.

Me.

I am bitter.

I am the one who holds on to the hurt, who constantly rehashes it. I can't get it over it.

You can search my blog over and find posts about what the church has and it's people have done to me. It started when I was a small child and my Catholic church wronged me over and over. Then I was atheist. Then Independent Baptist. Then nothing--and in that nothing is when God did His best and most amazing work. Then Southern Baptist.

Now? Yeah, now I'm bitter.

I should be nothing again.

Because if I am nothing, then doesn't that give God something to work with?

* * *

Next week's word is: FUNNY

You have from now until next Monday to take your photo, post it and you'll be able to link it next Monday. I can't wait to see what you come up with!

* * *

Words coming soon:


Week #17--Excessive

Week #18--Content

Week #19--Powerful

Week #20--Joyful

pop⋅in⋅jay--noun--a person given to vain, pretentious displays and empty chatter.

In other words, blogging. ;)

Isn't that what this personal blogging is all about? Me. Me. Me. For this photo challenge, that's perfect. We're going to dig inside of ourselves and do some "concept photography."

I'm going to give you a word and you're going to take a photo of something that describes the concept of the word.

• You CANNOT take pictures of your kids or your pets for this challenge. Or anyone else's kids or pets. I know they're precious, but they make your creative bone lazy. Let's get outside of the box. Let's be challenged.

Please leave the link to your post (not the link to your website or blog.) For example:

Right: http://michellependergrass.com/week1_photo

Wrong: http://michellependergrass.com



So--Let's see your photos for BITTER.
Link up and don't forget to visit the other participants!

Bad Attitude

Confession: I have a bad attitude.
Truth: If you know me, you probably already know this.

Not about everything and everyone, though. Just some things. And man, I get pretty passionate about those things.

In my head, I don't have that bad of an attitude. It's more that I'm stating my opinion. When things work and are decent I'm pretty apathetic, really. I enjoy the good stuff, don't get me wrong. The good memories are all stored away in my heart--promise. But the bad stuff pisses me off.

I've been working on being more positive.

Confession: I tend to be in the empty half of the glass.
Truth: I don't know why. And it takes a lot of work to think positive.

I used to be a lot worse. Ask Phil. I used to believe that anything bad could and would happen to me (and most times, it did.) I was constantly worried. Like when Phil was driving over the road without me. In the days before cell phones. There were a couple times when I couldn't get him to respond to me paging him. I don't remember why now, but what I do recall is how obsessive frantic I would get. I'd call the pager 172 times in a few hours, I'd call State Troopers along his route, not to mention calling all the hospitals along the way.

I also believed Phil would leave me. And I believed I wasn't worthy of anyone's love. I believed I was a bad person and bad things would continue to happen to me.

I'm not quite that bad anymore. But sometimes those anxieties rear their ugly heads. (more than usual lately)

Confession: I don't care if you don't like me.

Truth: I don't care if you don't like me.

It's not just something I say. I truly don't care if you don't like me. I'm not here to please you. And why should it bother me if someone doesn't like something I do or say? Is my worth resting in a human?

I have no use for some people. I tolerate very little. I tell it like it is. And most often, that gets me in trouble. Some people want to be lied to. They want to feel good about themselves so they fish for compliments or blog comments or Twitter responses or Facebook conversations...anything. Anything at all to get attention.

I might have been like that when I was younger, which is probably why I can't tolerate it now. I sought out acceptance like it was a drug.

Except it's more powerful than any drug out there.


Confession: I am judgmental.

Truth: I always have been.

Not towards everyone though. Rational, logical people very seldom are judged by me. It's the people who make no sense to me that I wonder about.

Confession: I am a hypocrite.

Truth: So are you.

We all are.

Confession: I'm not good at encouragement.

Truth: I don't know how to change that.

I've been doing this Beth Moore Bible study and in the last session something very powerful happened to me.

Let me go back to November of 2005. I was asked by my Church to attend a Lifeway Women's Leadership Training conference.

Something happened there--well, it started a little before that. I had done another Beth Moore study and she had mentioned (quite often) having a spiritual "mama," a mentor. I prayed and prayed for one and God didn't answer.

Until this leadership conference.

I had felt just a tad bit uncomfortable eating meals at the conference because it seemed everyone there was with someone else from their own church. This observation was verified by the name tags that said the name of the church as well as the attendee's name.

We were meeting in Lifeway's sanctuary for a little music from Travis Cottrell before the day's classes began. I chose a pew 5 or 6 rows from the front, scooted myself to the middle and buried my nose in the day's schedule to verify that the sessions I chose were truly the ones I wanted to attend.

The music started, I stood up and started singing along. I looked to my left. Empty. I turned to my right. Empty. I realized then that I was the only one in the very, very, long pew and I was smack in the middle. I looked forward and behind. It was the only pew in the entire sanctuary that had open seats. And I was smack in the middle.

The uncomfortableness of it all sank in. I closed my eyes and asked, "Why can't I have someone to be with? Why can't I have a mentor?"

God's answer was loud and clear, even if silent, "Am I not enough?"

He really proved a point to me that day.

For the last 5 years, I've been going at it (from an earthly prospective) alone. No human mentors, not many humans that could relate to me and my spirituality, and I've been perfectly ok with that. I stopped asking for human mentors and friends. I leaned fully upon Christ.

Last week, at the end of the Stepping Up video session, Beth Moore asked participants to stand up and move in shoulder to shoulder. Our facilitator asked us to get up and do the same. Beth explained that as sisters in Christ, we should be shoulder to shoulder at all times. We should not let the enemy penetrate our bond. We should encourage one another, be there to bear each other's burdens, love each other unconditionally, and stand this way, shoulder to shoulder.

As she was saying all this, I was standing between two women I don't know. Shoulder to shoulder. Touching. There was a line of women in front of me and behind me all shoulder to shoulder. Surrounding me and non-penetrable.

I closed my tear-filled eyes and asked, "This means something, doesn't it?"

God answered again, silently, and not near as stern as before. The answer was yes. But He didn't tell me what exactly it meant.

Popinjay--ACCOMPLISHED

The challenge word issued last week is: ACCOMPLISHED.


I think this week's word (ironic as it may seem) will go a long way to explain my complete lack of posting last week.

Though, I don't believe in irony.

So really, what happened and when it happened and how it coincided with my life is nothing short of amazing.

Last week, I was lost. I should have posted the self-portrait, but I was so lost, I couldn't find my way to myself. I was trying to be someone I'm not but I didn't know how to be the me I needed to be.

Once upon a time, I submitted a story to this promising new publication. My critique partners and I longed to have a story picked up by this journal. One got published in the first issue. Not me, though, I was rejected for a writing style that was "too genre" for a literary journal.

Of this new publication was born a genre anthology. Hoping for acceptance, I submitted. And was promptly rejected for writing "too literary" for a genre publication.

This is apparently the tight-rope I'm destined to walk.

A strange thing happened next, I was asked on to the yearly genre anthology as an editor (where two of the stories I worked on won Editor's Choice awards!) The next issue saw my promotion to Editor-in-Chief of The Midnight Diner.

Months later, a position on the board of directors for the two publications opened up--yours truly was brought on as secretary.

A few months ago, I was asked to accept the nomination for president of the board. And I did.


This is my official announcement, and I'll not likely talk much about it after this as it causes me great discomfort to think of myself in this way. The truth of the matter is, officially, I am now the president of a 501c3 publishing company. The former president and I have been spending countless hours working on a smooth transition.

Last week was crunch time. Last week I learned more and worked harder than I have in eons. And just a few days ago, the first shipment of books in my charge arrived at my house. Things got hairy there for awhile and I was stressed out and tense and I was sure they picked the wrong person for the job. Because I can't fill the shoes of the president of a publishing company. I was lost. I wanted to give up on Popinjay and my blog and my writing and homeschooling and everything else because I'm no good at any of it. Except people keep telling me I am. I was working 12 hours a day on this transition and trying to do it all and I was failing miserably as a wife, mother, friend, and all those other hats I wear.

Somewhere along the way last week, I realized (much to my dismay!) that I'll never be good at any of the things I do. Or rather, I'll never be good enough. Because I'm a perfectionist. Because nothing is ever good enough in my life. It can always be improved--no matter what the it is.

Then I saw the connection.

I guess I wasn't really lost.

When is it ever ok to let things remain status quo as a wife? What happens if I stop working on my marriage? What would my relationship look like if I stopped trying?

Same with being a mother. And a friend. And a writer. And an editor. And a homeschooling mom. And everything else.

It's obviously who God built me to be. And this week I feel pretty accomplished.

* * *

Next week's word is: BITTER

You have from now until next Monday to take your photo, post it and you'll be able to link it next Monday. I can't wait to see what you come up with!

* * *

Words coming soon:

Week #14--Bitter
Week #15--Funny

pop⋅in⋅jay--noun--a person given to vain, pretentious displays and empty chatter.

In other words, blogging. ;)

Isn't that what this personal blogging is all about? Me. Me. Me. For this photo challenge, that's perfect. We're going to dig inside of ourselves and do some "concept photography."

I'm going to give you a word and you're going to take a photo of something that describes the concept of the word.

• You CANNOT take pictures of your kids or your pets for this challenge. Or anyone else's kids or pets. I know they're precious, but they make your creative bone lazy. Let's get outside of the box. Let's be challenged.

Please leave the link to your post (not the link to your website or blog.) For example:

Right: http://michellependergrass.com/week1_photo

Wrong: http://michellependergrass.com



So--Let's see your photos for ACCOMPLISHED.
Link up and don't forget to visit the other participants!